2nd Choice

I finally called about the job today, and she told me I was their second choice. She was very impressed with me, but the other candidate just had a little more event planning experience. She told me that she would keep my resume and that other positions would open up, and if I could just hold on a couple more months than maybe she could call me back and offer me one of those positions.

I didn't get it and I kind of thought I would. I don't know why I was so sure of myself. I think it is because I have to believe I won't be in retail that much longer. I'm sad :(

shaken

Hearing about a guy that is considering breaking up with a girlfriend that he has been happy with for a few years because he isn't sure if someone else out there somewhere would make him happier has completely shaken my world. I always thought if I found someone that makes me happy and that I love, I would be with them for as long as I could be. Because even finding someone that makes you feel love for them is like, the hardest thing ever. I looked my entire life for someone that was worthy to fall in love with, and I would never want to take the bet that perhaps someone else is out there exactly like him but likes the same music as me too. I would never want to give up the inside jokes we have, and the things we share together. And before hearing about this guy, I thought it was logical enough that everyone would more or less operate the same as me. It is really frightening that you can never truly know if love is ever going to be enough for the person whose love is enough for you.

About a year ago I was examining the question of whether you can ever truly trust someone. I don't think I ever came up with a satisfactory answer for myself. I would love to believe that you could, because it sounds easier than constantly doubting everyone in your life. But if you put that trust on someone and they let you down, how could you ever forgive yourself for giving them the opportunity to violate trust? I put a pin in it a year ago, I try not to think about it. I don't think it matters one way or another most of the time, because you carry on business the same. You eat, you sleep, you hang out, without needing an answer to that fundamental question. But it is at times like this when it comes up from the blue again. I will put a pin in it again. I have a feeling this is an essentially human thing to do. I have a feeling the answer is no, we cannot truly trust anyone. But when we put a pin in it, aren't we just temporarily trying to forget that we can't? I think the heart wants to trust so badly, but the brain knows better. And putting a pin in the question is just our way of trying to forget that we can't.

But what implications does this have to human relationships? Perhaps this is the question under the pin instead.

Keep your hussy hands off my man!

I had a baaaad dream. I dreamed that Tom and I were hanging out and watching a movie in a group setting, although who these people were was not clear. And he was spooning some slut on the couch! And I tried to be the cool girlfriend and not say anything, but the fondling kept getting worse and worse so finally I was like "get your goddamn hands off of my boyfriend you hussy!" and everyone was like, dang, they've been doing that all night and NOW you have a problem!? and I was like, dude, I am not ok with that going on and never was, but I can't stand it one minute longer!

So between that and Dami having a bad cold, I didn't sleep very well. Why do I dream things like that? It wouldn't happen in real life!

WOOOOOO

I got a 2nd interview at OSUCCC!!!!!! I am so jazzed...I hope I get this job!!!

Oh Delia

Man, I am watching My So Called Life, and its the one where Delia has a crush on Ricky even though she knows he's gay. It cracks me up, because that was me in high school. And with her, its because she wants a crush that is safe and that doesn't hurt. With me it was because there were no viable guys in my school and I just wanted to have a reason not to hate school. Its funny though, I guess its like, a thing girls do. I am so typical. And I always thought I was so weird...

Dream Job

I am pretty sure I found my dream job today. I interviewed for the Program Coordinator position in the Comprehensive Cancer Center at OSU. It sounds absolutely amazing. I would be coordinating seminars and events for doctors, and doing a lot of behind the scenes work. I would learn so much from it, and I would feel like I am actually contributing to a greater good in the process. This is the kind of job that has so much growth potential and so much to do that I could be here the majority of my career. It would be funny if I actually got it, because I started out college wanting to work in cancer research and changed my major because I couldn't stomach being a doctor. And now I would still be working for that, just in a more business capacity. Man I hope I get this job!

sleeping in

I slept until noon today. But it was weird. Not the usual sleep until noon I have, where I sleep very lightly and wake up a lot, like dozing off and on in the morning hours. I was dead asleep today. It took me forever to wake up today, because I was dreaming right up until noon. I don't even remember what I was dreaming about. I haven't had sleep that deep in a really long time. It felt good.

I hate noise

Arg. All I wanted to do was get another hour of sleep. But the Krogers emptying their dumpsters didn't allow that. The phone ringing in the apartment over didn't either. The people chattering like monkeys outside didn't either. I hate noise when I am trying to sleep.

Sound

I can hear the woman next door hacking up a lung. To the point where I am worried about her, its been going on for a month. I can hear the upstairs neighbor's garbage disposal. I can hear the dryer running other people's laundry. I can hear the news blasting from White, Wong, and Ford, the old deaf packrats next door. And now there is a cop siren coming down the street.

Living in an apartment building is weird. But somehow comforting...I am sitting here feeling rather alone, but sounds coming from everywhere remind me that people are all around me, just not in the immediate vicinity.

Why am I having such issues with feeling alone lately? Is it because nobody at work talks to me anymore? Is it because Dami isn't home as much? Is it because nobody is ever online anymore? Is it because I see Tom less due to school starting again? Maybe it is because I see my good friends far too little anymore...or maybe it is that I am a sad bastard in winter.

I wish I had those words

"Don't thank me, there is nowhere else I'd rather be."

Logan said that to Rory on Gilmore Girls when she thanked him for being there for her when her grandpa had a heart attack. Why couldn't I have thought of that when I went to Tom's grandma's funeral? I was thinking that, but couldn't articulate it. I couldn't make it known that I wanted to be there. That it wasn't an inconvenience in the slightest. I just couldn't find the words at the time. So I just nodded awkwardly when people said "thank you".

Bowling

I have been bowling more times in the last 2 weeks than in the last year. Having your own bowling shoes really gets you out there more. And now that we know about Sunday night bowling at Sawmill Lanes, it is on. Once a week on. Oh yeah.

I seem to have plateaued as a bowler though. I keep trying to use new techniques and end up totally tripping over my own feet. Its lame. I am still pretty happy if I can break 100. Its ok though. If I beat Tom, he gets all upset.

Anyone up for Sunday bowling?

Nostalgia

This could be the best year ever. I could get a new job. I could do a bunch of crazy fun things. But I am the type of person who will always think back on past fun and be sad for its passing. I was looking through some pictures of parties from about a year ago and wishing I was back there. Before the UTI problems, when Sunday dinners were still fun, etc. We went ice skating and sledding and bowling! We had weekly dinners with good friends that we don't even see anymore. We went out and went to fun parties. We went to see John Stewart (which actually wasn't that great but still, we did it and then we played board games afterward). I felt closer to my good friends back then. And even though I am doing things that I enjoy now, I wish we were doing those things again. Why can't I have good times all the time?

I am ridiculous to the point of laughing out loud at this. I guess I am having a pretty good time this year too...

perfection

I don't think it is possible to express to someone that you think they are perfect. You can say it, but they might not believe you. And personal imperfections keep you from properly expressing it. I wish that someone could know by telepathy just how much you think of them.

Snow

I could have spent hours watching the snow fall last night. I love it. It's so peaceful. But I was getting kind of melancholy. I started thinking how when it snows like that, late at night, before anyone has a chance to sully it, it feels like I am the only human being on earth. And even though I was at Tom's, I felt so alone all of the sudden. He was off playing video games and I was reading Wicked. It was a perfect scenario for me: snow falling, comfy couch, great book, candles burning, hot tea. Except I was alone. Reading isn't a group activity, I don't know why it upset me so. I think I could make a fortune if I made a chair that was a giant heated teddy bear that would hug you when you read while watching the snow.