Jobs jobs jobs

I worry for the future. H&M has become utterly intolerable, but my only choices seem to be other retail jobs that pay less and have less benefits. I got a random call from Hot Topic, saying that my old manager at H&M raved about me and they wanted me to apply for a part-time assistant manager position at Easton. First of all, can you imagine me, the girl who can't even wear earrings and has no tattoos, pink hair, etc working at Hot Topic? For serious? And it is only part time. I can barely afford life at a full time job, and one that pays more than most at that. I have such good benefits too, and they said they only have medical. What if my tooth falls out? And I've heard terrible things about Easton: crime, gangs, etc plus they are open later and it is really sketchy at night and it is completely on the other side of town from me. Even if I want to get out of H&M as bad as I do, I don't think this Hot Topic job is the solution. I hope that I get something I really care about soon and I don't live to regret not putting in for this.

It is getting scary on the job front though. It seems like every job that I am qualified for I have already applied for. It is so hard to find anything that would be an improvement on my current situation. Talking to other people that are also looking for jobs is disheartening. Nobody is finding anything. It seems like we all will have to move just to make a living. I don't want to leave Columbus...I think I am the only person I've ever met that actually likes it here. I mean, the city has its problems but everything I love is here. I don't want to leave...but if it turns out that I am still on the retail circuit when Tom graduates, maybe leaving is the only option. I very much hope that we can find good work here.

I very much hope that I find a great job soon.

Tired

I have been chronically tired this week. I feel like I will never get as much sleep as my body wants. I just want to have one of those days where I nap all day on the couch and I'm not even sorry about it. My body feels heavy. My arms, my legs, my eyelids all just want to collapse.

Even so, when I get the chance to sleep I stupidly give it up. Like yesterday, I got home from work at 2, and I could have napped but it was so sunny out that I wanted to stay awake. I had been wanting to make a really good meal, so I did that. For the joy or cooking or something. But when I couldn't find anyone that was willing to come over for a free meal, it made me realize that the joy of cooking is really only the joy of enjoying the product. It made me really sad that I spent all day cooking and nobody could eat it with me. I suddenly understood why my dad was always so depressed when he wanted to cook and nobody had time to come over and eat. I wish Go was in town, nothing would have stopped him from coming and devouring everything. Oh well, I guess I'll just take a nap and eat pizza bagels next time...

Valentine's Day

Valentine's day is unsettling to me. For 22 years, I hated the holiday because I was single. And now that I have had a boyfriend for the last 2 years I am supposed to drop that hatred? But I love making cards and baking cookies and celebrating things! I love the stuff that goes into celebrating a holiday, but I hate the holiday. Does this make sense? I feel very conflicted about the entire thing. I got a card and chocolates and loved them. But I like the idea of a holiday that everyone gets to celebrate way better. I just realized that doesn't exist. Christmas is for Christians. The 4th of July is for Americans. So is Thanksgiving. I guess Valentine's day is really just your typical divisive holiday, only I think I object because I found it so hard to find a worthwhile boy for the majority of my life. So really, maybe I should be way excited about celebrating the fact that I actually am in love for once. Maybe this is actually a great holiday and I never knew? I am still awfully skeptical.

Weird dreams

I've been having weird stress dreams. They are about jobs and school and papers. I am stressed about my job situation and for some reason vicariously stressed about Tom's midterms. But the weird thing is, its not like my classic stress. When I used to get stressed, I would have a lot of anxiety about it. I thought you couldn't be stressed without being anxious. As it turns out, now that I am dealing with my anxiety, stress is little more than just thinking a lot about it. Stress with anxiety was me feeling sick to my stomach and being unable to sleep from the adrenaline. So as a result of thinking about how much I hate my job situation and thinking about Tom's papers, I am dreaming about them. But I am dreaming.

It makes me wish I had gone to therapy sooner. I had no idea I had such anxiety issues until I literally had such a bad attack I ended up in urgent care. I just thought I was normal. Also, I think my anxiety was the reason I always did so well in school. If I didn't feel sick when I didn't study for a test, would I have studied at all?