Shower

I didn't want one until it became a means to afford a photographer...but there is a secrecy behind it with that I am very uncomfortable with. I don't think Jamie has ever seen how uncomfortable secrets make me. Seriously. Eep.

Invitations are done!

Now I am just waiting on my mom to finish addressing the envelopes. It takes her forever to write, but she has the neatest friggin' handwriting of any human. 20 are already done, stamped, and ready to leave my life forever! Yay!

Butterflies

Every once in a while, amidst the angst and dread that comes with the logistics of wedding planning, I'll have a moment that reminds me why I am doing this in the first place. It's like suddenly remembering Jesus when you are battling crowds at stores for Christmas shopping. And then I get really excited to be Tom's wife. I'm going to be someone's wife! Not only someone, but Tom. The best guy that I know. The most patient, silly, secretly caring person that I know. Yay!

Dance Class

So I signed Tom and I up for a "Wedding Crash Course" dance class at the studio next to Staufs on Grandview Ave. The reasons for this are many, but include:
- I suck at dancing. Seriously. I can't even slow dance; my prom date and I were swaying in opposite directions.
- I don't want to be embarassed when people are watching me dance at the wedding.
- I always secretly wanted to take Social Dance at OSU when I was a student, but was too afraid to. It looks fun when you watch Dirty Dancing Havana Nights!
- It was only $55 for the both of us to attend 4 sessions. How bad could it be?

Our first session was Sunday. And here's a breakdown of why it was fairly humiliating:
- Tom lost interest after 10 minutes, so he didn't pay attention to what we were supposed to be doing. He's the lead - its a problem when he doesn't know what to do!
- In the "presenting the bride on the dancefloor" move practice, he decided to act like he was showing a dog at a dog show instead of presenting a bride, and almost ran me into a pillar and the instructor of the class.
- I couldn't do the spin that we were supposed to do. She kept describing it in words that I couldn't translate to what my feet should have been doing. Being surrounded with all of these girls that had no trouble with it made me feel worse.
- At one point we were dancing so badly the instructor came over and told us to stop. Then she told us to do the dance that she taught us in the first 10 minutes, while Tom was still paying attention.

Our second session is next Sunday, and I guess I'll go back, but if we are in for more humiliation like that, maybe I will skip the last half. The optimist in me still hopes that dancing could be fun.

Charity Workers

I just got a check from a charitable institution for an ad they had already paid for by credit card. This isn't the first time it has happened to me - a lot of people can't keep tabs on their own finances enough to remember that they have already paid a bill. But this one struck me as sad, because usually I think "stupid people that work there" and go on but they probably can't afford someone who is with-it enough to not pay a bill twice. And so they lose even more of the scant resources they have. It's just another one of those ways that is built into society where the rich get richer and the poor get poorer.

Dreams

I've been having weird dreams about my past, namely that odd year and a half between graduating college and dating Tom. That year was the year I let out all of the previous oppressed drinking, dancing, and social butterfly habits and got them out of my system. I worked retail at the time, so I had time to do so. I lived with my dad, so I had money to do so. And so I did. Among my most fantastic moments from that year, to give an example of the kind of reckless shenanigans I got myself into:
- I drove down to Florida with 2 guys I had only met 2 or 3 months before and stayed in the same hotel room with them. There were 2 beds and 3 people, and most of the time a guy was alone in one of them. The whole week we spent drunk on the beach, doing things like playing mini-golf or visiting strip clubs. Long story.
- I shared an entire bottle of cheap grocery store vodka with a guy I had a crush on from my brother's job and slept on his twin mattress on the floor in my clothes.
- I became infatuated with a guy that I didn't really realize was dating a future good friend and bridesmaid until we had went out to a We Are Scientists concert and fooled around for a night.
- I found myself throwing up on the floor of the Burgundy Room on my 23rd birthday after having about 11 drinks in the course of an hour.
- I made out with one of my friends while staring at his friend (see above, guy I had a crush on and shared lots of gin with) (see also: both guys I went to Florida with)
- I spent the night in the emergency room holding the hand of a friend that had gotten into an ill-advised bar fight in which he got his ass kicked and upper lip split in two.

I cringe at most of that stuff. I could hardly believe, looking back yesterday, that all of that had taken place mostly inside a year. Every night was a new drama! But still, after being so tightly wound through the age of 22, it was nice to actually enjoy some of the stuff I had deemed completely evil previously. I just wish that I had younger youth to hide behind...but I digress. Once Tom and I started dating a few months after that 23rd birthday, I left that life behind and treasured the time in which I grew up socially. The time that lead me to Tom.

So why am I dreaming about it 3 years later? I think my mind is reviewing what my life was like before Tom in preparation for being married. And all I can say is, THANK GOD I FOUND HIM. Seriously. I think in the face of pre-marriage freak outs about divorced parents begetting divorced children, my subconcious is trying desparately to remind me how things could still be. And at 26, I don't have the energy for that kind of drunken drama anymore. I am enjoying the quiet (but not completely dry) life I have with Tom. The kind of life that I don't have to worry about who will pick me up off of the floor after I've had a few too many. :)

Thanks

It hit me all of the sudden how thankful I am for many things, and it compelled me to record this sudden rush of gratitude.

I am thankful for:
- My loving and well-intentioned man
- My boss trusting me so much that he gives me stuff to do while he is in the Carolinas that I'm not really sure how to do
- An aunt that loves flowers and is so willing to help
- A mom that wants to buy my cake and get me a Kitchenaid Stand Mixer on top of that
- A best girlfriend that is so excited to throw me a stand mixer-themed bridal shower (because everyone going in on one present is the only way I agreed to have one...)
- The jambalaya leftovers from last night in the work fridge
- My organizational skills
- The lovely spring weather yesterday and the first summer storm last night
- Being able to play tennis finally and the fact that I don't mind that I suck at tennis
- Iced coffee
- Free font sites
- Having Myrtle Beach to look forward to
- More than I can ever list

Flowers...really?

So because I don't really care about flowers much, I enlisted the help of my "aunt" Ela to coordinate that business. And oh man, and I ever glad she is in my life. I asked her if she would want to help me with that, and she said that she hoped that I would ask! Sweet!

The day after on an etsy finds email, I found these flowers that I am kind of in love with. So she says that the closest real flower she can think of are these which are of course perfect. I really have never cared for cut flowers, but those were amazing! I love black and white, and great contrast. And then she sends me a bunch more that I might be interested in. This is going to be so much better than I thought. I was all set to just get a bouquet from Kroger for $5 because I didn't care. Sure these will be more, but the fact that I am actually kind of exited about something as frivolous and silly as flowers is saying something, for sure!

Sometimes I feel like this wedding stuff isn't that bad. Especially when I am not the one that has to do it!

In that same vein, I bought my veil on etsy yesterday. It's the kind of veil that is almost like not having one, but it will push me on the right side of the fine line between prom attendant and one who is marrying. (After reading One Perfect Day: The Selling of the American Wedding, I can't stand the word "bride" anymore. Seriously. I don't know why, but that word is like nails on a chalk board now.) And it was only $22 bucks! That is cheaper than the DYI kits at Michaels!

Mexican Drug Cartels

I heard an NPR story about how Mexican Drug Cartels are pretty much stronger than the Mexican government now, and how they are either going to hijack the government or there is going to be war. Either way, it seems like an eventuality that the US military will have to step in. Yikes. I mean, that is seriously scary. The implications of being at war with a neighboring country in this day and age are many, including civilian casualties, racism with a dominant minority group, etc. It is jarring to think of this being so close to home: these kinds of things are usually across oceans, and if every American is like me, you thought that stuff like this couldn't really happen here.

I am really glad I live closer to Canada than Mexico.