mustache

Maybe I hate it so much because it made me realize that I am a bad person. I am such a bad person. I am much vainer than I thought! I never saw this coming. I don't wear makeup and think designer clothing is dumb! But I couldn't even look at the trucker hillbilly mustache on my boyfriend. It's funny. It is. And I thought it was funny at first. And then it was horrifying. I don't know why it was so horrifying. I am perplexed by the entire episode. It was like watching someone else. It was like I was in my head screaming at the top of my lungs "IT'S FUNNY! JUST LAUGH!" and "JUST KISS HIM AND APOLOGIZE FOR BEING A VAIN JERK!" but my body just wouldn't stop sulking and avoiding eye contact. I feel terrible. I deserve to date a mustache dude. Actually, I don't even deserve that.

nightmares

Geez, last night I realized just how much my subconscious is out to get me. I first had a dream that I was getting another UTI. Then, the coup de grace of the night was a dream in which I was hanging out with Katie and Tom, and Katie asked Tom when he was leaving. I was like, uh...what? Leaving for what? When? And he was all, it doesn't matter, you always have to know everything. But as it turns out, he's taking a trip with his dad to San Antonio to look for jobs! And to add insult to injury, he's going to be gone over Christmas and New Years.

It is like my subconscious zeroed in on my two biggest fears: Losing Tom, and getting more UTIs (subcategory of failing health). Arg. This is what happens when I sleep alone.

somewhere in my dreams

I have been slowly realizing that the location of a recurring dream I've had for as long as I can remember is right across the river near Fishinger Road. This dream is really vague, but it seems like I am driving my kids to/from a party with a bunch of high school kids. It seems like it is some sort of cast party, and there is big drama surrounding the whole thing. It seems like I live nearby. But the location is always crystal clear, I've seen it so many times. And now I pass it on the way home from work. So weird.

starfucks

Everyone at work was given a $5 gift card to Starfucks. I feel personally insulted by this "gift". Everyone knows I hate that place and refuse to go there. Why would they burden me with this fucking gift card? I have to get rid of it. I tried to sell it to people that like going there, but they wouldn't do it. Assholes. If a Starbucks-going moron got a Cup O Joe giftcard, I would buy it off of them...

Odd Day

For no reason at all, today was a very weird day. I realized that we have absorbed so much of each other. I have absorbed his antisocial tendencies. He has absorbed my breakfast habits. We bicker without fear of ruining things. I know what he is going to say before he says it. He knows what I am going to fidget with before I fidget.

So this is what its like...:)

underqualified

I feel vastly under qualified in dealing with death. All I can do is make cookies. So make cookies I did. I hope it helped.

Anger

I am so angry at everything right now. I am angry at Dublin for being so full of clogged arteries and culs de sac. I hate Christmas shopping for people that have such specific tastes. I hate shoppers so much that I pushed a little kid into a fixture at Kohls just because he was in my way and there were too many people around. I hate Sawmill road, and the fact that it takes fucking half an hour to cross the street. I hate that people never remember the plans we make. I hate that people make plans for me that I don't want to follow. I hate when people don't pick up their phones. I hate inconvenience. I hate not having daylight. I hate people that put words in my mouth. I hate yuppies. I pretty much everything and everybody right now. I pretty much want to curl up in a ball until everything gets better.

Infuriating

I had the worst customer ever, like, EVER, today. I've been in retail for 8 years, and this was the worst. Scenario: I am cleaning up my section at the end of the night. This woman and her friend walk into the section that I hadn't cleaned up yet, no biggie. Then she rips this item over on the rack so hard and violently that it knocks several tank tops off the end of the rack. So I had to go over and pick all that up. I put it neatly back on the end and go to walk away, when she looks straight at me and does it again. I could feel the anger boiling up inside, so I go over to the other side of the store until I see her leave my section. Over? I thought so...

She then proceeds to the fitting room (where she was a bitch to the attendant there) and to the checkout. On her way out of the store, she calls out "Bye, BITCH" to me. And then mouths profanity all the way across the glass store front. I was dumbstruck and angered. I mean, what the fuck did I do, besides clean up what she dropped? Over? I thought so this time, too...

So I was telling a coworker about the last bit about 20 minutes later, after the store was essentially void of customers. Then this tool and the girl she was with walk up and the guy bellows "Thats my girlfriend you are talking about!" I was like, "uh...are you kidding?" and he proceeded to yell about how I was rude to her, and how I pushed her over and was a bitch and how I deserved it. I was like, I did not push her, I picked up all of the items she dropped. I put them back. I left the area. And she antagonized me every step of the way. Meanwhile, all of the employees are gathering around the growing scene, and my manager (the only straight dude in the place, thank God he was working...) comes up and asks "Is there a problem?" I told him that they were antagonizing me, and then the guy throws some items of clothes he had been holding for some reason on the floor and screamed that I could clean up after him now. My manager then told him to leave the store and escorted the two of them out.

But seriously, WHAT THE FUCK??!! I pick up items that she dropped, and I deserve all of this fucking drama? I didn't overreact, I didn't loose my cool (until the end, when I was swearing if I saw her in the parking lot I would kick her ass, but that wasn't said around anyone but coworkers...) I don't know why this particular woman and her boyfriend were so insane. I don't know what it is about the holidays that brings out the worst in humanity. It was awful. I shouldn't let it get to me. I should just let it go, and chalk it up to that girl being awful and having an awful day. Goodness. I hope I get this job, hopefully I won't feel scared for my safety again at work. I honestly thought they were going to follow me home or try to shoot me in the parking lot.

It also struck me after how I have never felt this much animosity toward someone I never met. I mean, sure I hate Bush and stuff, but I have never felt this ribbon of hate cut through me like that for someone I don't even know. Maybe thats why it gets to me so much, because something like that for reasons beyond my control made me feel that. I don't want to feel so much hate. I get angry a lot, but it dissipates. And honestly, I get worked up pretty easily. But this was like, arousing hatred I didn't even know I could feel. I guess its hard to explain...and maybe I should have been more in control of what I felt. I just couldn't help it.

2nd Interview

I had my in-person interview with OpenOnline today. I was so nervous last night, I couldn't sleep. But the job sounds so great. Like, seriously. So awesome. I really hope I get it, it really does seem to be a great fit for both the company and I. When I got out of the interview and was to the lobby, I realized that my phone had fallen out of my bag. Arg. I had to go back and get it, and I was thinking the whole time, oh man, I hope they don't hold that against me. But the current receptionist said that she left her purse in there the first time, so perhaps it was a good sign. Hopefully!

Crazy Anna

So I was ringing out this mother and daughter today, and realized it was Crazy Anna from Hallmark. History: this girl worked at Hallmark briefly. She was cool in a hipster sort of way; we liked her, but there was something off. She had these crazy stories that involved plane crashes and murder attempts. We weren't sure whether to believe her. We decided she was crazy. And then she walked out and never came back. A year after that, I heard that Asshole Matt made out with her. A match made in heaven, I dare say. Too bad they didn't end up together instead of fucking creepy Angie, but whatevs... Anyway, I recognized her from the forehead scar she grew bangs to try to cover. So we talked a bit, and then they left and I was glad. I hate running into people like that. Why do I waste mind power remembering stupid details about people I don't care to remember? At least it wasn't fucking Angie or Matt or Chrisco...I hope to get out of retail before any of those people find their way into the store.

interview

I had a phone interview yesterday. I'm not sure if I will get it, because they said they got 100 resumes, and I was one of 10 they interviewed. Thats so many people! But I would be good for the job, I think. I hope I get it. I find out Monday if I get a second interview. I want out of the mall! I hope I get it!

Therapy

So I had my first session with my counselor today and was diagnosed with dysthymia and general anxiety disorder with panic attacks. Dysthymia is basically a depression category where I have depressive tendancies but like, I can be cheered up (from what I understand). She asked me if I was an angry person, and I of course answered "yes". Apparently anger and anxiety are like the proverbial chicken and the egg, so getting to the bottom of both and finding the root is probably going to be a good thing. She said that I had "garden-variety" stuff, and I'm not like really screwed up or anything, so thats good. I'm looking forward to more sessions, I am glad I am doing something pro-active about my issues. It makes me feel like there is hope I won't always be like this.

HOLY CRAP

I can't believe it. The moment I've been waiting for, for over a decade! MY SO CALLED LIFE ON DVD. OMG OMG OMG. HOLY CRAP. I just ordered it from amazon. I don't even care that it was $40, and christmas is coming. I have many other things on my wish list. But I NEED this. I don't want to leave it up to chance!

Who wants to have a marathon when they come?

Anxiety

I am now having anxiety issues relating to the possibility of getting more UTIs. I wonder if I am giving them to myself with stress and anxiety, when the cultures come back negative. I wish I could stop doing this to myself. But I don't know how. So I am getting professional help. Tomorrow I am calling on a counselor I found on my insurance website. It's nice because its right by Staufs, so I can take a nice stroll, get some coffee, go to therapy. I hope it does some good. I need help right now.

New Years

The more I think about it, the more I hope that I/good friends of mine have a New Year's party. We ended up going to lame campus parties last year, and I don't wanna do that again. I think it would be really fun to have a party somewhere that we can stay put and not walk around in heels drunk on high street. It could be so much fun! And I wouldn't get sick this way, because there would be no sketchy punch and/or funky pot smoke. I'm getting excited for a fun new years! They usually suck...the only thing that didn't suck about last year was getting together with Tom.

Anyone wanna co-host a party?

so many jobs...

I feel like I have applied to sooo many jobs online today. I really hope I get at least one interview. Its so hard to tell when you apply online, you send out your resume but you can never tell if its even seen. I don't like it very much, but if I knew a way around it, I wouldn't be here I guess. I especially hate the OSU system, where you don't even get a contact email or anything. Arg.

Cookies!

Today was a good day. I applied for some jobs and got to have an old lady movie night. Jamie came over and we went to Hoggy's for dinner, the French Loaf for hot chocolate, and then we baked sugar cookie cut-outs and decorated them while we watched Sunset Boulevard. It was a good time, I'm glad I got some good old fashioned Jamie time. And she is the best at sugar cookies. So not only are they beautiful, but they are equally delicious.

Now I just need people to come over and eat these cookies. There are so many!!

Bathrooms are gross

I just scrubbed everything, from ceiling to floor, in my bathroom. The tub was the worst. It made my back and arms sore. I had to choke back gags as I scrubbed the toilet and the floor, which was made more disgusting by the fact that the glue holding down the tiles is bleeding between the cracks and trapping every piece of hair that falls on it. But I cleaned it all up! I am magic. Now when people come over and use our bathroom, they won't think we are absolutely disgusting.

When I was scrubbing the floors with the same bucket and sponge as when Katie came over to help clean before Europe, I thought fondly of her. Weird associations: sponge, gross floor, pine sol, I <3 Katie. It made me laugh.

Trees and lights

I put up my Christmas Tree tonight. I love it. I wish I could leave it up all year. The lighting makes me happy. Its so mellow and cozy. I decorated it all in silver, blue, and white. Its so pretty. I made Tom put up his tree too. Because with as much time as I spend over there, I want the cozy pleasure of a Christmas tree there too. Besides, if you don't put out your decorations during the appropriate season, then why store them throughout the year? I also helped Tom put up lights around his porch roof. They make me happy as well. I think I get waaay too into the holidays...I thought working at Hallmark for 5 years would have erased that, but it only strengthened it. And now I am watching Love Actually for the millionth time, because I wanted to watch a Christmas movie and its the only one I have. I need to get How The Grinch Stole Christmas and Rudolph and Frosty and that weird one with the song that goes, "I'm mister white Christmas, I'm mister snow..."

Holidays

After my 3 different Thanksgivings, I can compare how differently people do the same thing. Its weird how much variation can happen with the elements of family, turkey, and all of the accessories. First with the family: At my dad's, he is very into everyone helping to prepare the food and being an active part of getting ready for dinner. The stark contrast is Tom's mom, who doesn't want anyone around to help or get in her way. And then there is the fact that there are no little kids in my family, but Tom's family is full of them. And the differences in food are weird too. I mean, its turkey and potatoes we are dealing with, but so many ways to prepare them. Tom's mom does everything very basic, with little spice. The Poles at my mom's family, not being from here originally, prepare the food to taste, and not to tradition. So they have the basics, but they also have random stuff that you wonder why it makes it to a Thanksgiving table. My dad does the basics, but adds at least one other meat. Because he loves meat. So this year, we also had venison. Which, by the way, is delicious. So I figured that if you took my dad's meats, add my "aunt's" potatoes, and Tom's mom's rolls, you'd have the perfect Thanksgiving dinner.

Time

I'm stoked. I just saw the schedule for next week and I have Sunday through Wednesday off. That means I have 4 straight days of no H&M. I can chill out. I can put up my Christmas tree. I can catch up on my bills. And the most important thing: I can fucking blanket the town with resumes. I haven't really had that much time to do that, I've just been applying here and there when I have a minute. But I can really concentrate on it with 4 days off. I am glad. I need to get out of retail, and the holiday season is reminding me of that.

Christmas for Perverts

I was getting stoked for Christmas by looking for ornaments and tree stuff online, and came across a menorah. My first thought was "Let's get a menorah!" which I expressed to Dami. He said that when he saw it, his first thought was "Let's get a menorah then go to the Garden and get penis shaped candles to put into it!" Hahahaha what the crap? Also, when I saw some pink flamingo ornaments, he suggested we get dead chicken ornaments for the tree. So if holiday decor was up to Dami, we would have a penis menorah and a dead chicken tree.

My brother is weird.

Jealous?

I can't believe that Bridezilla would accuse me of being jealous. Jealous of a capricious decision that 7 months was enough to decide what person is going to be with me until death and father my children? 7 Months! I am feeling many things about that, but jealousy is NOT one of them. I was shocked more than anything at first, but now I'm mad. How dare she accuse me of being jealous at her poor decision-making skills. How dare she accuse me of being jealous of what sounds like the absolute most unromantic way to be proposed to. Even if he cooks up something elaborate involving overly expensive food and wine, she still went shopping for the ring. And to me, that is really unromantic. I am also not jealous of the fact that she is forcing her relationship on everyone and not thinking of anyone else's feelings in doing so. Grrr....the worst thing is, I don't really feel like I can talk to her about anything. I have never felt close to her, because I can't feel close to the yuppy plastic types. So this must be how W.A.S.P.s are formed. No real interaction because you can't interact with plastic.

Chill Pills

So I tried to go in for a half day yesterday, and after a half hour they sent me home. Bonnie the manager said she was really worried about the pain I had been complaining about in my chest for a couple weeks now and that she really wanted me to go to urgent care. So I went, and got ushered in first on a wheelchair because apparently if you have chest pain you take high priority. So they did all sorts of EKGs and other heart tests and they were all normal, so they said I was having an anxiety attack and prescribed me chill pills. And its crazy, because they totally work. The pain in my chest is almost gone after 2 of them, and I don't seem to even care that I have an active UTI going on.

So after all of this, I'm thinking I should see a counselor about my stress and anxiety levels.

Again...

I have another fucking UTI. I can't do this anymore...they hurt so much. I am glad I have the appointment with the urogynocologist tomorrow, because I need this to be over with...FOR GOOD. I wish I could sleep...

and it all hit me

I was always told about in-laws. Warned about how terrible they could be, and how cruel. But when I started considering what could happen with Tom's parents if it ever comes to that, I thought it wouldn't be bad. They seem to like me, and appreciate my presence in their son's life. But this weekend I realized that even if I make their son happy, and "bring out the best in him", I will never be a yuppy. And that is always going to make me a second class citizen with them.

This weekend, the others went diamond shopping. After 7 months, diamond shopping. But its ok by the parentals, because they are in their last year of grad school. If you make it through grad school, it doesn't matter that your first new years together will be your first ever as a couple and you are engaged for it. It is shocking to me. It seems so forced to me. Like they do it because that is what you are supposed to do, and not out of a long and considered relationship in which you grow and explore life together. And it will probably work out. I'm not saying it won't, and I do not want that for them. I love them and want the best for them. But certain people's reaction to this makes me feel like I will never be good enough because I am doing what is right for me. And I was the child of people that got married waaaay to young and too soon, and it ruined what should have been the best years of their lives, as well as giving their children a really fucked up upbringing.

I want to do things in my life that feel right, and feel real. I want to do things not because I feel like that is what I should do, but because I really really want to do them. I want to feel like when someone does propose to me, its because he realized that he doesn't want to live without me, and not because the timing is right with getting out of grad school. I don't want to pick out my own engagement ring, my perfect guy would know what I want...including that I don't want diamonds.

I don't know why this is bothering me so much. I just keep thinking about it, and drawing new offense from it. I want to not be bothered by other people's decisions. But I also don't want to feel like an untouchable for not wanting to gloss over real emotion and forcing interaction.

Funny Commercial

It was a commercial for dog food. A voiceover was talking about how much she loved taking her dog to the dog park because there were always new smells to smell (visual of dog sniffing a butt and woman looking disgusted), there were always new things to dig up (visual of dog digging in the dirty and getting filthy, woman looks really disgusted), but she worried about what he got into (dog gets into trash can and gnaws at garbage, woman looks like she is going to shoot it when she gets home). The voice over sounded sooo upbeat and happy to be a dog owner, but the actress just seemed so generally disgusted by her own dog. It was hilarious.

Resume

I finally just sat down today and spent the whole day researching jobs and working on my resume. And I feel better about things. I saw a lot of jobs that I could get with my current experience, and the fact that I am taking a way more active role than I have for a while in my job search is making me feel a lot less trapped in retail than I have been feeling. I very much hope that I will be the proud holder of an administrative assistant position or something in 3 months. This will be my last Christmas season in retail. Of that I am certain...I hope.

Bad week

I am just having a bad week, I guess. I was starting to feel a little better about things, and then when it came time to work again I got this awful feeling in the pit of my stomach. I went to work and it was awful. Understaffed as per usual, and soooo busy. And I still couldn't get my schedule fixed. It was a really awful day, and on my way home I just kept thinking that things are going to keep getting worse until I can find another job. But I still feel so trapped by needing the job to pay bills and more importantly, for my health insurance. So once again, I just got to Tom's and collapsed in sobs. I don't feel like myself. I feel completely hopeless. I feel like I will never get the 9-5 job that I crave. I will never get out of the cruel retail world. But I have to push myself to believe that things will be better. I have to because I am going insane. I never imagined I would hate my job as much as I do.

I feel sick

I have been having a bad week. Everything that is bad in my life seems to have compounded on me all at once. Last night, I desperately needed to talk to Tom, because he is most of the good things in my life. And of course I started talking about why I have been down, and I got into that mode where you just keep focusing on everything bad and it seems like nothing will ever be right again ever again. And the flood gates opened and I couldn't stop crying. It was bad. I thought I was over it, and then I went to work and talked to my manager. H&M has started doing the schedule over a computer program. It is really fucked up. It doesn't have the human touch of not making the same person close all week, or work all weekend, and it doesn't give people off days they are used to having off. I have gotten every Monday night for 2 years off for pizza night. It has never been a problem. So when I saw that it was making me work Monday night, and that even though we were short an opener and over one closer, I mentioned that I should open and he said NO. NO. His reasons were stupid and you could tell he was using "company policy" to stick it to me because he doesn't like me. So I just started crying all over again. I couldn't stop. For hours. I was out on the sales floor just crying all over the place. I don't know why I couldn't stop, but I couldn't. And right when I started to calm down, I remembered that that particular pizza night is the celebration of Dami's, Grandpa's, and probably Mom's birthday. And then it started all over again. I started thinking about what if this is Grandpa's last birthday? And I missed it for a company that I hate? What the fuck?!? I hate that so hard. I hate that I don't get to see Tom, I don't get to see my family, and those are the 2 good things in my life because of the worst thing in my life. H&M is the devil. It sucks up everything good and turns it into badness. It turns it into making my stomache hurt. I need a hug so bad right now. But I had to close and open and Tom has homework and Go is in Kansas and Katie is in Switzerland and Dami is gone and nobody is here and I'm starting to cry again...

Can I blame birth control for this sudden onset of depression? Or the STAR system...

I want to sleep.

I got 9 hours of sleep last night and I'm still exhausted. I woke up and my alarm played "Let's Stay Together" by Al Green and it just made me wish that it was a weekend that I have off and I could spend with people I want to be with. I don't want to call doctors and go to work. I don't want to work on my resume today. I just want to take a nap. And I hate that its going to be so long before I can spend time with people I want to spend time with. Its kind of depressing that my days seem to be filled with things I don't like. And now my dad is pestering me for one of my days off. My coveted days off that I spend updating my resume, wandering around Grandview, and with Tom. He wants me to go to his house and listen to him bitch about his job. Like I don't have to listen to my own thoughts bitch about my job. I don't want to listen to it on my days off! If he could just come down and go to dinner and have pleasant conversation that would be one thing. But he comes down and tries to commandeer my life because he has failed to create a life outside of his kids.

Don't get me wrong, I appreciate that I have parents that are there for me when I need them. I love that. But I wish that for once, he would want to spend his day off going out and doing something fun with his own peers. And I wish that I wasn't made to feel guilty that I want to spend my days off doing the same.

Counting and recounting

Inventory is now over. Thank God. I was in accessories the entire weekend, because I chose it. Because I am a masochist. I can handle being painfully detail-oriented, and honestly deep down I like it. I like sorting things, and making them neater. And part of me is like my mom and my grandma before me, where I think I am the only one that will do it right. I hate to admit it, but its true. I do sometimes feel like my way is the only good way. It gets me into trouble too, I guess this rather slow girl at work was bitching to my boss about how I come off as abrasive and offensive when I try to help her get a task done. And you know what? I'm sorry she gets upset, but I am not that sorry. She is ridiculously slow. Everyone complains about her. So whatever.

Anyway, if I go the rest of my life without counting a huge bin of hairties, I will be happy.

Starship

Apparently its the kind of day where "Nothing's Going to Stop Us Now" pops into my head. Great.

Hallmark

I worked at Hallmark for 5 years. And with every passing year, I saw the place go more and more downhill. The owner stopped paying the bills regularly, the store became more and more empty, the merchandise cheaper and cheaper. I had the background fear towards the end that I would go to cash my paycheck and it would bounce. I was talking to Keely today, and she informed me that it finally happened. He had just paid 25 women, and all of those paychecks will bounce because he had been paying people on his overdraft protection and it ran out, I guess. How does he have any staff left? If that happened to me, I believe I would not come into work until I could be paid. And really, who would want to return after that? I hope all of those people can find new jobs, I really feel bad for them. I mean, I hate my job but at least I get paid consistently and pretty well for a retail job. Lately I had been feeling nostalgic for when I worked at Hallmark and things were easier, but this snapped me right back to reality. I am lucky I got out when I could.

pumpkins

I set out to decorate my contest pumpkin for work tonight. I had a little too much fun with it. I got some sparkly black felt and made a witch hat for the tiny pumpkin. I drew a face on with sharpie. Classic pumpkin face, because when people make pumpkins look sinister it is disappointing to me. Like, the wasted potential for a really adorable pumpkin makes me sad. I don't know if I will win this contest, but it doesn't really matter. I just wish I had a cat to put the tiny witches hat on. Perhaps I will put it on Henry. That would be pretty funny, to dress Henry up in a Halloween costume for the party.

Oh my God, did I just discuss dressing up a dog in a Halloween costume? What am I?

The Others

Maybe I am not meant to see the world. But something about seeing all of these young people with money going everywhere and seeing everything when I am just trying to make rent is...unsettling? I could have studied abroad, but I never really considered it. What would I have done? How could I have paid for it? It seemed like more of a pain in the ass at the time, and I didn't have any friends in my major so it wasn't like I could go with a bunch of friends. But now I feel strangely out of the loop. I was proud of myself for being able to afford a greyhound ticket to Kansas a year ago...I just never considered going anywhere cool, let alone out of the country. But I've come to the determination that if I had friends outside of the country or living in cool places, I would go to see them. It just happens that the kind of people I am friends with move to Kansas.

That was kind of an emo post. Lately I feel as though I will be scraping by forever and that I might never achieve success. I should listen to what I tell others: that your life isn't determined at age 24, that you need to concentrate on what you can do now instead of feeling doomed, etc. This is what happens when you watch Clueless and drink hard cider on a Wednesday night.

New place for thoughts

I'm kind of sick of myspace, and many people aren't even on it anymore so I'm going to be posting here as well as myspace. And really, its only because for the last three years I have been posting on myspace and I have a history with it. I'm actually kind of sick of the internet. But I need it to keep in touch with the growing number of loved ones that are not in the same city as me. Arg...everyone should live in my building so I wouldn't need the internet for anything but youtube...