mustache

Maybe I hate it so much because it made me realize that I am a bad person. I am such a bad person. I am much vainer than I thought! I never saw this coming. I don't wear makeup and think designer clothing is dumb! But I couldn't even look at the trucker hillbilly mustache on my boyfriend. It's funny. It is. And I thought it was funny at first. And then it was horrifying. I don't know why it was so horrifying. I am perplexed by the entire episode. It was like watching someone else. It was like I was in my head screaming at the top of my lungs "IT'S FUNNY! JUST LAUGH!" and "JUST KISS HIM AND APOLOGIZE FOR BEING A VAIN JERK!" but my body just wouldn't stop sulking and avoiding eye contact. I feel terrible. I deserve to date a mustache dude. Actually, I don't even deserve that.

nightmares

Geez, last night I realized just how much my subconscious is out to get me. I first had a dream that I was getting another UTI. Then, the coup de grace of the night was a dream in which I was hanging out with Katie and Tom, and Katie asked Tom when he was leaving. I was like, uh...what? Leaving for what? When? And he was all, it doesn't matter, you always have to know everything. But as it turns out, he's taking a trip with his dad to San Antonio to look for jobs! And to add insult to injury, he's going to be gone over Christmas and New Years.

It is like my subconscious zeroed in on my two biggest fears: Losing Tom, and getting more UTIs (subcategory of failing health). Arg. This is what happens when I sleep alone.

somewhere in my dreams

I have been slowly realizing that the location of a recurring dream I've had for as long as I can remember is right across the river near Fishinger Road. This dream is really vague, but it seems like I am driving my kids to/from a party with a bunch of high school kids. It seems like it is some sort of cast party, and there is big drama surrounding the whole thing. It seems like I live nearby. But the location is always crystal clear, I've seen it so many times. And now I pass it on the way home from work. So weird.

starfucks

Everyone at work was given a $5 gift card to Starfucks. I feel personally insulted by this "gift". Everyone knows I hate that place and refuse to go there. Why would they burden me with this fucking gift card? I have to get rid of it. I tried to sell it to people that like going there, but they wouldn't do it. Assholes. If a Starbucks-going moron got a Cup O Joe giftcard, I would buy it off of them...

Odd Day

For no reason at all, today was a very weird day. I realized that we have absorbed so much of each other. I have absorbed his antisocial tendencies. He has absorbed my breakfast habits. We bicker without fear of ruining things. I know what he is going to say before he says it. He knows what I am going to fidget with before I fidget.

So this is what its like...:)

underqualified

I feel vastly under qualified in dealing with death. All I can do is make cookies. So make cookies I did. I hope it helped.

Anger

I am so angry at everything right now. I am angry at Dublin for being so full of clogged arteries and culs de sac. I hate Christmas shopping for people that have such specific tastes. I hate shoppers so much that I pushed a little kid into a fixture at Kohls just because he was in my way and there were too many people around. I hate Sawmill road, and the fact that it takes fucking half an hour to cross the street. I hate that people never remember the plans we make. I hate that people make plans for me that I don't want to follow. I hate when people don't pick up their phones. I hate inconvenience. I hate not having daylight. I hate people that put words in my mouth. I hate yuppies. I pretty much everything and everybody right now. I pretty much want to curl up in a ball until everything gets better.

Infuriating

I had the worst customer ever, like, EVER, today. I've been in retail for 8 years, and this was the worst. Scenario: I am cleaning up my section at the end of the night. This woman and her friend walk into the section that I hadn't cleaned up yet, no biggie. Then she rips this item over on the rack so hard and violently that it knocks several tank tops off the end of the rack. So I had to go over and pick all that up. I put it neatly back on the end and go to walk away, when she looks straight at me and does it again. I could feel the anger boiling up inside, so I go over to the other side of the store until I see her leave my section. Over? I thought so...

She then proceeds to the fitting room (where she was a bitch to the attendant there) and to the checkout. On her way out of the store, she calls out "Bye, BITCH" to me. And then mouths profanity all the way across the glass store front. I was dumbstruck and angered. I mean, what the fuck did I do, besides clean up what she dropped? Over? I thought so this time, too...

So I was telling a coworker about the last bit about 20 minutes later, after the store was essentially void of customers. Then this tool and the girl she was with walk up and the guy bellows "Thats my girlfriend you are talking about!" I was like, "uh...are you kidding?" and he proceeded to yell about how I was rude to her, and how I pushed her over and was a bitch and how I deserved it. I was like, I did not push her, I picked up all of the items she dropped. I put them back. I left the area. And she antagonized me every step of the way. Meanwhile, all of the employees are gathering around the growing scene, and my manager (the only straight dude in the place, thank God he was working...) comes up and asks "Is there a problem?" I told him that they were antagonizing me, and then the guy throws some items of clothes he had been holding for some reason on the floor and screamed that I could clean up after him now. My manager then told him to leave the store and escorted the two of them out.

But seriously, WHAT THE FUCK??!! I pick up items that she dropped, and I deserve all of this fucking drama? I didn't overreact, I didn't loose my cool (until the end, when I was swearing if I saw her in the parking lot I would kick her ass, but that wasn't said around anyone but coworkers...) I don't know why this particular woman and her boyfriend were so insane. I don't know what it is about the holidays that brings out the worst in humanity. It was awful. I shouldn't let it get to me. I should just let it go, and chalk it up to that girl being awful and having an awful day. Goodness. I hope I get this job, hopefully I won't feel scared for my safety again at work. I honestly thought they were going to follow me home or try to shoot me in the parking lot.

It also struck me after how I have never felt this much animosity toward someone I never met. I mean, sure I hate Bush and stuff, but I have never felt this ribbon of hate cut through me like that for someone I don't even know. Maybe thats why it gets to me so much, because something like that for reasons beyond my control made me feel that. I don't want to feel so much hate. I get angry a lot, but it dissipates. And honestly, I get worked up pretty easily. But this was like, arousing hatred I didn't even know I could feel. I guess its hard to explain...and maybe I should have been more in control of what I felt. I just couldn't help it.

2nd Interview

I had my in-person interview with OpenOnline today. I was so nervous last night, I couldn't sleep. But the job sounds so great. Like, seriously. So awesome. I really hope I get it, it really does seem to be a great fit for both the company and I. When I got out of the interview and was to the lobby, I realized that my phone had fallen out of my bag. Arg. I had to go back and get it, and I was thinking the whole time, oh man, I hope they don't hold that against me. But the current receptionist said that she left her purse in there the first time, so perhaps it was a good sign. Hopefully!

Crazy Anna

So I was ringing out this mother and daughter today, and realized it was Crazy Anna from Hallmark. History: this girl worked at Hallmark briefly. She was cool in a hipster sort of way; we liked her, but there was something off. She had these crazy stories that involved plane crashes and murder attempts. We weren't sure whether to believe her. We decided she was crazy. And then she walked out and never came back. A year after that, I heard that Asshole Matt made out with her. A match made in heaven, I dare say. Too bad they didn't end up together instead of fucking creepy Angie, but whatevs... Anyway, I recognized her from the forehead scar she grew bangs to try to cover. So we talked a bit, and then they left and I was glad. I hate running into people like that. Why do I waste mind power remembering stupid details about people I don't care to remember? At least it wasn't fucking Angie or Matt or Chrisco...I hope to get out of retail before any of those people find their way into the store.

interview

I had a phone interview yesterday. I'm not sure if I will get it, because they said they got 100 resumes, and I was one of 10 they interviewed. Thats so many people! But I would be good for the job, I think. I hope I get it. I find out Monday if I get a second interview. I want out of the mall! I hope I get it!

Therapy

So I had my first session with my counselor today and was diagnosed with dysthymia and general anxiety disorder with panic attacks. Dysthymia is basically a depression category where I have depressive tendancies but like, I can be cheered up (from what I understand). She asked me if I was an angry person, and I of course answered "yes". Apparently anger and anxiety are like the proverbial chicken and the egg, so getting to the bottom of both and finding the root is probably going to be a good thing. She said that I had "garden-variety" stuff, and I'm not like really screwed up or anything, so thats good. I'm looking forward to more sessions, I am glad I am doing something pro-active about my issues. It makes me feel like there is hope I won't always be like this.

HOLY CRAP

I can't believe it. The moment I've been waiting for, for over a decade! MY SO CALLED LIFE ON DVD. OMG OMG OMG. HOLY CRAP. I just ordered it from amazon. I don't even care that it was $40, and christmas is coming. I have many other things on my wish list. But I NEED this. I don't want to leave it up to chance!

Who wants to have a marathon when they come?