I feel sick

I have been having a bad week. Everything that is bad in my life seems to have compounded on me all at once. Last night, I desperately needed to talk to Tom, because he is most of the good things in my life. And of course I started talking about why I have been down, and I got into that mode where you just keep focusing on everything bad and it seems like nothing will ever be right again ever again. And the flood gates opened and I couldn't stop crying. It was bad. I thought I was over it, and then I went to work and talked to my manager. H&M has started doing the schedule over a computer program. It is really fucked up. It doesn't have the human touch of not making the same person close all week, or work all weekend, and it doesn't give people off days they are used to having off. I have gotten every Monday night for 2 years off for pizza night. It has never been a problem. So when I saw that it was making me work Monday night, and that even though we were short an opener and over one closer, I mentioned that I should open and he said NO. NO. His reasons were stupid and you could tell he was using "company policy" to stick it to me because he doesn't like me. So I just started crying all over again. I couldn't stop. For hours. I was out on the sales floor just crying all over the place. I don't know why I couldn't stop, but I couldn't. And right when I started to calm down, I remembered that that particular pizza night is the celebration of Dami's, Grandpa's, and probably Mom's birthday. And then it started all over again. I started thinking about what if this is Grandpa's last birthday? And I missed it for a company that I hate? What the fuck?!? I hate that so hard. I hate that I don't get to see Tom, I don't get to see my family, and those are the 2 good things in my life because of the worst thing in my life. H&M is the devil. It sucks up everything good and turns it into badness. It turns it into making my stomache hurt. I need a hug so bad right now. But I had to close and open and Tom has homework and Go is in Kansas and Katie is in Switzerland and Dami is gone and nobody is here and I'm starting to cry again...

Can I blame birth control for this sudden onset of depression? Or the STAR system...

I want to sleep.

I got 9 hours of sleep last night and I'm still exhausted. I woke up and my alarm played "Let's Stay Together" by Al Green and it just made me wish that it was a weekend that I have off and I could spend with people I want to be with. I don't want to call doctors and go to work. I don't want to work on my resume today. I just want to take a nap. And I hate that its going to be so long before I can spend time with people I want to spend time with. Its kind of depressing that my days seem to be filled with things I don't like. And now my dad is pestering me for one of my days off. My coveted days off that I spend updating my resume, wandering around Grandview, and with Tom. He wants me to go to his house and listen to him bitch about his job. Like I don't have to listen to my own thoughts bitch about my job. I don't want to listen to it on my days off! If he could just come down and go to dinner and have pleasant conversation that would be one thing. But he comes down and tries to commandeer my life because he has failed to create a life outside of his kids.

Don't get me wrong, I appreciate that I have parents that are there for me when I need them. I love that. But I wish that for once, he would want to spend his day off going out and doing something fun with his own peers. And I wish that I wasn't made to feel guilty that I want to spend my days off doing the same.

Counting and recounting

Inventory is now over. Thank God. I was in accessories the entire weekend, because I chose it. Because I am a masochist. I can handle being painfully detail-oriented, and honestly deep down I like it. I like sorting things, and making them neater. And part of me is like my mom and my grandma before me, where I think I am the only one that will do it right. I hate to admit it, but its true. I do sometimes feel like my way is the only good way. It gets me into trouble too, I guess this rather slow girl at work was bitching to my boss about how I come off as abrasive and offensive when I try to help her get a task done. And you know what? I'm sorry she gets upset, but I am not that sorry. She is ridiculously slow. Everyone complains about her. So whatever.

Anyway, if I go the rest of my life without counting a huge bin of hairties, I will be happy.

Starship

Apparently its the kind of day where "Nothing's Going to Stop Us Now" pops into my head. Great.

Hallmark

I worked at Hallmark for 5 years. And with every passing year, I saw the place go more and more downhill. The owner stopped paying the bills regularly, the store became more and more empty, the merchandise cheaper and cheaper. I had the background fear towards the end that I would go to cash my paycheck and it would bounce. I was talking to Keely today, and she informed me that it finally happened. He had just paid 25 women, and all of those paychecks will bounce because he had been paying people on his overdraft protection and it ran out, I guess. How does he have any staff left? If that happened to me, I believe I would not come into work until I could be paid. And really, who would want to return after that? I hope all of those people can find new jobs, I really feel bad for them. I mean, I hate my job but at least I get paid consistently and pretty well for a retail job. Lately I had been feeling nostalgic for when I worked at Hallmark and things were easier, but this snapped me right back to reality. I am lucky I got out when I could.

pumpkins

I set out to decorate my contest pumpkin for work tonight. I had a little too much fun with it. I got some sparkly black felt and made a witch hat for the tiny pumpkin. I drew a face on with sharpie. Classic pumpkin face, because when people make pumpkins look sinister it is disappointing to me. Like, the wasted potential for a really adorable pumpkin makes me sad. I don't know if I will win this contest, but it doesn't really matter. I just wish I had a cat to put the tiny witches hat on. Perhaps I will put it on Henry. That would be pretty funny, to dress Henry up in a Halloween costume for the party.

Oh my God, did I just discuss dressing up a dog in a Halloween costume? What am I?

The Others

Maybe I am not meant to see the world. But something about seeing all of these young people with money going everywhere and seeing everything when I am just trying to make rent is...unsettling? I could have studied abroad, but I never really considered it. What would I have done? How could I have paid for it? It seemed like more of a pain in the ass at the time, and I didn't have any friends in my major so it wasn't like I could go with a bunch of friends. But now I feel strangely out of the loop. I was proud of myself for being able to afford a greyhound ticket to Kansas a year ago...I just never considered going anywhere cool, let alone out of the country. But I've come to the determination that if I had friends outside of the country or living in cool places, I would go to see them. It just happens that the kind of people I am friends with move to Kansas.

That was kind of an emo post. Lately I feel as though I will be scraping by forever and that I might never achieve success. I should listen to what I tell others: that your life isn't determined at age 24, that you need to concentrate on what you can do now instead of feeling doomed, etc. This is what happens when you watch Clueless and drink hard cider on a Wednesday night.

New place for thoughts

I'm kind of sick of myspace, and many people aren't even on it anymore so I'm going to be posting here as well as myspace. And really, its only because for the last three years I have been posting on myspace and I have a history with it. I'm actually kind of sick of the internet. But I need it to keep in touch with the growing number of loved ones that are not in the same city as me. Arg...everyone should live in my building so I wouldn't need the internet for anything but youtube...