Odd revelation

Do you ever have those moments where you finally, inadvertently articulate something that you never quite realized yourself, just casually in conversation like you knew it all along?

I was talking to Go on the phone about social circles, friends, etc and I said that I don't like being alone. I can be surrounded by people I don't even know, like in a coffee shop, and completely immersed in a book or something but that is way more comfortable than being alone in my apartment. And it all makes perfect sense to me now. This is why I longed for sitting at the Clintonville Cup O Joe in the middle of the afternoon reading Paul Feig when I got a full-time job. I don't actually want to talk to people all the time. But something inside of me is placated when I am not alone. I am tense when alone. I get freaked out by weird noises. I am always on guard. But not when someone is around. I was looking so forward to living alone, and now I come upon the realization that it freaks me out.

I am so weird.

What's weirder is that when I am without people I care enough to talk to for any prolonged time, I start going a little crazy. Like, having conversations with myself crazy. I am really not made for a solitary lifestyle. If I ever end up a lonely old lady, I'll be one of those I used to hate at Hallmark. The ones that were buying a nephew birthday card and launch into a long conversation about how their husband died and their inlaws are estranged, but she still sends her 30 yr old nephew birthday cards. Ugh. I really hope I don't end up alone.