By George, I've got it

I figured out that my lack of holiday spirit is directly related to the fact that I feel like my family is disbanding. My grandma had to go to the hospital this week, and I am so worried about her lasting much longer. My mom is in denial about it; she can't conceive of her mother not being around when she needs her. My little brother always seems to drop off the deep end about this time of year, and even though I try to hope for the best, it is just getting so hard. I want my brother back but it is to painful to try to make things better these days. I don't know what would be worse: make a real effort and be rebuffed/let down again by his drug/alcoholism or let him drop and have to cope with the real loss of my beloved little brother. I feel continually abandoned by my mom, who seems more than willing to schedule us around whatever free time is left by her new family. We just don't seem to have a big enough place in her plans anymore. And we never see her side of the family anymore due to her decision to let her family drop by the wayside and my grandma's lack of energy for getting people together. I never see Dami anymore, him and Beth have their own lives and their own circle (which I can definitely understand, considering everything that has gone on) but it just adds to it. Our family is going its own way. We have Monday night dinners, but nobody's heart is in it anymore. I wish that for once, Christmas could be like it used to be. With lots of family and lots of celebration, and not just a band of people half-heartedly going through the motions that are getting too hard to perform anymore.

Spirit

I feel like I am desparately trying to recapture Christmas spirit. I don't know the exact reasons for my lack of it this year. I am usually so excited about it. In talking to various people, I have considered and/or dismissed the following:
- Christmas will not be fun/exciting until we have kids: but that is not it for me; there were no little kids around since I was one, and Christmas always managed to be fun for me.
- There are too many depressing things going on in the world to have fun: I am considering this my frontrunner, but it seems like things have been way worse before for me personally and I have still managed to get it up for Christmas. It seems like a flimsy excuse upon examination.
- This is the first year since I was 17 that I have not worked retail during the Christmas season: Maybe my Christmas spirit was tied to the fact that I was around the consumerist side of it for so long. God, I hate to think that this extremely positive change in my life is contributing to my lack of spirit for the holidays. So messed up if this is the case.
- Some unknown mental block: Maybe I am in some need of a spiritual renewal. Maybe I am too stressed over some unknown thing that I haven't figured out. Maybe it is my work stress. Maybe it is that my grandma is really starting to take a turn for the worse lately. Maybe I feel somewhat abandoned by my mom. Maybe it is the fact that money has been tighter this holiday and while I am not broke, I do not derive the same pleasure out of spending money on my loved ones that I once did.

There are so many things that flit through my head during the course of the day that any number of them could subconciously be draining my spirit. I just want it back. I feel empty without it. I used to get so excited for this time of year, and now it just seems like I am shining it on. I want to enjoy the holidays like I used to, I want to so badly. I just can't seem to figure out how to get back to that place...

You're Cool!

Ok, its just grafitti but it evokes an interesting reaction every time I pass it. One one of the pillars of Knowlton Hall, someone wrote "You're Cool". If I am feeling bad about myself, I immediately think "No I am not" or "I wish". But on days like today, when the head of fiscal told me she has heard great things about me upon meeting her, I thought "I KNOW!"

Odd revelation

Do you ever have those moments where you finally, inadvertently articulate something that you never quite realized yourself, just casually in conversation like you knew it all along?

I was talking to Go on the phone about social circles, friends, etc and I said that I don't like being alone. I can be surrounded by people I don't even know, like in a coffee shop, and completely immersed in a book or something but that is way more comfortable than being alone in my apartment. And it all makes perfect sense to me now. This is why I longed for sitting at the Clintonville Cup O Joe in the middle of the afternoon reading Paul Feig when I got a full-time job. I don't actually want to talk to people all the time. But something inside of me is placated when I am not alone. I am tense when alone. I get freaked out by weird noises. I am always on guard. But not when someone is around. I was looking so forward to living alone, and now I come upon the realization that it freaks me out.

I am so weird.

What's weirder is that when I am without people I care enough to talk to for any prolonged time, I start going a little crazy. Like, having conversations with myself crazy. I am really not made for a solitary lifestyle. If I ever end up a lonely old lady, I'll be one of those I used to hate at Hallmark. The ones that were buying a nephew birthday card and launch into a long conversation about how their husband died and their inlaws are estranged, but she still sends her 30 yr old nephew birthday cards. Ugh. I really hope I don't end up alone.

Evolutionary wonder or folly?

I find it curious that when we don't like something that we have tasted, we hold it in our mouths and find it difficult to swallow it. I mean, logically speaking it would make sense if we swallowed as quickly as possible so as to minimize tasting it. But instead we can't swallow. Is it an evolutionary way of not swallowing poison? Or are we just stupid?

Trace Adkins

We were talking about our mom's wedding music tonight at Pizza Night. And I found out that we have to dance to Trace Adkins for the first dance. My God this is going to be painful.

It also has pointed out to me that my mom is becoming a podunk hillbilly. House in Pataskala? Check. Trace Adkins obsession? Check. Chevy Truck and mullet? Coming soon!

Wedding infuriation

My mom's wedding is a week and a half away. She just now got the wording to print on the invitations to me. She tried this weekend when I didn't have time/didn't want to spend my birthday making invites, and now she is blaming me for the fact that her guests are going to get them the day before the wedding, if not after.

All my life, my mom has taken her good old fucking time with everything and expects everyone around her to compensate. Its not fair. I will not be blamed for this, I tried to get her to do this a loooong time ago. She takes a week and a half to GET THE WORDING DOWN, but I am expected to get these in the mail by the end of the week. Really?

Why can't my mom just get things done? She can't even postpone it. Because who cares if anyone besides the Krichbaums are there...she doesn't care about her family being there at all. God, what a trainwreck.

FLIES!!

I killed about 4 flies yesterday in my apartment and thought, hunh, thats weird. Then I came home and found a million flies by the window! What the f***? Where do they come from and why are they here? There is nothing they could breed on! I leave no food or dishes out! I took out the garbage yesterday!

I went to Kroger and got spray, and spray I did. I think every surface in the house has a film of bug spray now. The inside and outside of the windows is coated. Then I swept up the strays with the vacuum hose. It was like Ghostbusters, but with flies.

They better be gone. That's all I'm saying.

Good weekend

It was a good weekend. It was very refreshing physically and emotionally, which I really needed both. It was the kind of weekend that reminded me of the Bloc Party song "Sunday."

Phew. Get ready for a hectic week.

Same Old Question

I am continually plagued by the same question. It is never a question that can be answered. The optimist and the pessimist in me are duking it out for what I should think. It's a true test of whether I can control my anxiety.

conundrum

How can someone ask for forgiveness when they are so unwilling to forgive?

Happy :)

I made the decision to try and put positivity into the world this week. I feel so happy now! I just had a wonderful night with some good friends. I slept so well last night because I actually spent the night dreaming about kittens! I didn't know people over the age of 10 dreamt about that, but it was great. I feel like I am starting to mend ties that have been strained to breaking point lately. I let negativity consume me over the past couple months, and I feel like a weight has been lifted now. Even though tomorrow Dami is moving out and that will try my temper, I will still be happy because tomorrow is my independance day! Yay!

Overwhelming sense of ickyness

I can't blog about anything anymore. Everytime I want to write me a catharsis, I realize that it is only going to dig me further in the hole. Fuck.

I just wish I could actually talk out my problems with the people I have them with. I am not into this passive-aggressive bullshit that everyone else has for me. If people were as open and honest as I am, the world would be a healthier place. But the reason I am in this mess is because I am open and honest and others act like it is fine and they agree to my face and then pull some shit out later that makes me realize how much they hate me.

I kind of wish I could just get away from it all, but as long as I love him, I will never be away from it. Oh bother.

Fun

This is a topic that has been nagging at me. I used to think that people have different ways of having fun, and just because you don't understand it doesn't mean they don't know how to have fun. And then I realized that some people in the world actually don't know how to have fun. Which would be fine, except that I seem to be inexplicably tied to people like this. And this causes me to have less fun when I am trying hard to make things fun. Because I like to have fun! Arg. It's a little bit frustrating, but I guess I can have fun on my own time.

Other than that, things are going pretty well for me right now. I have a lot to be thankful for/proud of, and I also have a lot to look forward too. Good times indeed. This summer is looking up in a way that summers rarely do for me. This year, I feel like I am succeeding at life instead of trying my hardest just to not back-slide. Cheers!

Wheee

I have a job at OSU. Its so awesome. I, after 3 years of trying, finally got a job at OSU. I have a job that has limitless possibilities, and the most fringe benefits I could hope for. I have a job that has a ton of security. I pay into the state retirement fund! OMG it is all I could hope for in a job. I am so excited!

This time last year

I was sitting here, looking for an apartment and a job, thinking "geez, have I really made progress from last year when I was doing this same thing?"

I have determined that yes, I have made progress. Because I am not living with my dad and I am not working retail. I am also not still driving a minivan. What I have determined is that this cycle never stops. I guess it is human nature to try to find better, more fulfilling, and more lucrative jobs and better living situations. Hopefully a day will come when I have a job I can be happy with for a while and a steady place to live.

I think that is the day I will officially be old? I feel so old already...I may as well reap some benefits.

No Country for Old Men

I heard this movie gets better after you've had time to think about it. But the more I think about it, the stupider it seems. It doesn't seem to have much of a point. I mean, there was money, chase, and people died. And there was a creepy guy that liked to kill people for money and for "honor"? Still doesn't have much deeper meaning to me. I just don't get it...or maybe there is just nothing to get.

At least there were chicken fingers. And I got to see what English majors do with their evenings. All 10 of them...

Taking stock...

This week has been a good week. I didn't really think it would be, but even though relationships I have counted on for years are falling down around me, I still have so many things to be happy for.

I love everything about my boyfriend.

I love lunch hours now. They were depressing sitting in the windowless breakroom in the mall, but today I went to North Market, got a chicken gyro and a tropical smoothie, and walked to Goodale Park to read and eat on a beautiful day.

I love getting paid weekly.

I love playing tennis, even though I suck at it.

I love that I still have my 2 oldest friends in the world.

I love that my little brother is finally getting his life together.

I love that my mom is getting remarried to a great guy that loves her.

I love that it is spring and the weather has been perfect this week.

Funny phrases I never thought I'd say #1032

"I'd pee myself if Wonder Years came out on DVD!"

This is what I thought randomly just now. And said out loud. To myself.

No wonder I spend so much time alone...

Old Brick Roads

I have never thought otherwise: I love old buildings and architecture and neighborhoods. I love feeling a sense of history with my surroundings. I love that people in centuries past invested wisely in design and craftsmanship. I love that they conserved space, as land was a valuable commodity and if they spread everything out, people would have a harder time walking around their community. Form and function were both considered of the utmost importance. Furthermore, with a bit of ingenuity on our part, we can make updates and renovations to these old buildings and preserve all of the aforementioned beauty and craftsmanship for future generations.

In this century, those values were forsaken for the gluttony of our times. We spread out because we had the money and the land, and we could drive our cars to everywhere so it didn't matter. The focal point of an establishment became the place we park our cars; the beauty of the building was not considered. We cut back in craftsmanship because it was cheap and we loved that feeling of newness so much that we would probably be tearing it down to replace it before it wore out anyway. 20th Century neighborhoods are disgusting. Slums, or slums-to-be. Culs de sacs litter our world. Subdivisions divide us from neighborhoods of yore. We are wasting so many finite resources in the building, tearing down, rebuilding, and the driving to instead of walking to these places.

This is pure fact to me. It never crosses my mind that it should be otherwise.

Until I was walking on a sidewalk in German Village today. A beautiful old neighborhood that still has a focus on the beauty of natural brick, simple architecture, and greenery. The commerciality of the place is so understated that you barely see the signs for restaurants and stores when driving. It is a neighborhood that was designed for foot traffic. But the sidewalks are in such disrepair that I have a very difficult time walking on them, especially in heels. They are brick, but the ground under them has shifted so much over the years that they are hopelessly uneven. It made me think: Why hasn't anyone repaired these over the years? Why has the brick not been replaced when it breaks? Why hasn't the ground been leveled for ease of walking? Is it for the historical value of the neighborhood? Because for how much I love the historical value of things, I gotta say: the people who built these streets and sidewalks built them to ease transportation. Yet we keep them despite it. They would have thought we were retarded for keeping around a bunch of shattered bricks that they laid a hundred years ago or more when it is actually causing problems for the people that walk on them daily. It would be like people of the future not filling potholes for the sake of historical value.

I found my line of reason in this debate. If the historical brick sidewalk trips people and makes your drink slide off of the cafe table balancing on it, it is stupid to not repair and/or replace it.

Shadows of Fish

The shadows against the wall behind the fish tank are creepy. You don't see a water shadow, just fish moving around in it.

I had never watched Lost before, but this 20 minutes is sucking me in. I don't even know why, I don't know what is going on, and my tv doesn't have a wide screen option so I can't read these curious little pop-up phrases at the bottom of the screen very well. Are those in every episode?

I am so glad its Friday tomorrow. I am losing my mind.

Good relationships

A coworker of mine was asking me about my boyfriend, and I was telling him all about Tom and what he is in school for and what he does with Gladden and his family and all of that, and then he said that I must have the most noble, prince-charming type boyfriend. It made me smile, because even though we fight sometimes, even a casual acquaintance can tell how much I love and respect him. Sometimes I wonder if people know how much I care about them, but I guess I have nothing to worry about.

TGIF!

Tomorrow is the first Friday since college that I was actually happy for the weekend. Like, the happiness that can only come from working 5 solid days in a row and having the next 2 days to do whatever your heart desires with other people that also have the days off. I am so happy that I am not a retail sucker anymore.

Last Day

H&M is over. A thing of the past. After 2 years and 5 months of being miserable there, it is finally done. I feel like I was released from prison or something. I am so happy to be out. I am happy to be done with half of the people I worked with. I have stopped having anxiety tightening up my chest all the time. I don't feel like a trapped animal anymore. And I keep realizing things that are going to be so much better now that I have nights and weekends off. Having a constant sleep schedule will be awesome. And I can enjoy the Christmas season all over again!

There are so many awesome reasons why it is good to be done with H&M, and retail in general for that matter. Yay!

contentedness

I feel so content right now. I have everything I need, and some. I have a boyfriend that makes me really happy. I have a job that pays fairly well and will challenge me for a while. I have good health. I have an apartment that is big enough and is in one of my favorite parts of town. I have a car that reliably runs on a minimum of gas. I have a few friends that really care about me. I was driving home from Tom's tonight after pizza night and was thinking about how happy I am. And I'm not even waiting for the other shoe to drop like previous episodes of happiness. I feel like I've worked for what I have, and haven't asked for too much. I have everything I could ever really need. I am in a really good place I guess.

Shortbus

Have you seen it? :O omg with all of the pee pees! ;)

I got a job!

I was just offered a job at Wears, Kahn, and McMenamy. It is the real estate company that owns my building. I am going to be their administrative assistant. I have standard business hours. I will have nights and weekends! I am excited to live like a normal person. I am still a little iffy on the benefits and pay because the guy who decides that stuff had an emergency and I couldn't work it out, but they seem willing to negotiate. Even if the benefits aren't the best, I am still getting out of retail. Wheeeee

Voting

I love voting. I love researching the candidates and issues and deciding who to support with my vote. I usually look to the League of Woman Voters bulletin for important information, such as platform, relevant experience, education- you know, the kind of stuff you would need to know in hiring someone for a job. Because thats what we are doing- we are hiring a public servant. But for some reason, this sort of information is not readily available for primary elections. I looked everywhere online: league of woman voters, ohio secretary of state, franklin county board of elections, moveon.org, ohio democratic party, and I basically googled every single candidate to no avail. I finally called not one, but two libraries and finally the Columbus library told me about an odd part of the franklin county site that had a sample ballot, so at least I could see what I was voting on tomorrow. It is so messed up. It is hard enough to fight voter apathy. It is hard enough to make people care. It is hard enough to get them out to vote. Why should it be so hard for interested parties to find information on these issues?

Jobs jobs jobs

I worry for the future. H&M has become utterly intolerable, but my only choices seem to be other retail jobs that pay less and have less benefits. I got a random call from Hot Topic, saying that my old manager at H&M raved about me and they wanted me to apply for a part-time assistant manager position at Easton. First of all, can you imagine me, the girl who can't even wear earrings and has no tattoos, pink hair, etc working at Hot Topic? For serious? And it is only part time. I can barely afford life at a full time job, and one that pays more than most at that. I have such good benefits too, and they said they only have medical. What if my tooth falls out? And I've heard terrible things about Easton: crime, gangs, etc plus they are open later and it is really sketchy at night and it is completely on the other side of town from me. Even if I want to get out of H&M as bad as I do, I don't think this Hot Topic job is the solution. I hope that I get something I really care about soon and I don't live to regret not putting in for this.

It is getting scary on the job front though. It seems like every job that I am qualified for I have already applied for. It is so hard to find anything that would be an improvement on my current situation. Talking to other people that are also looking for jobs is disheartening. Nobody is finding anything. It seems like we all will have to move just to make a living. I don't want to leave Columbus...I think I am the only person I've ever met that actually likes it here. I mean, the city has its problems but everything I love is here. I don't want to leave...but if it turns out that I am still on the retail circuit when Tom graduates, maybe leaving is the only option. I very much hope that we can find good work here.

I very much hope that I find a great job soon.

Tired

I have been chronically tired this week. I feel like I will never get as much sleep as my body wants. I just want to have one of those days where I nap all day on the couch and I'm not even sorry about it. My body feels heavy. My arms, my legs, my eyelids all just want to collapse.

Even so, when I get the chance to sleep I stupidly give it up. Like yesterday, I got home from work at 2, and I could have napped but it was so sunny out that I wanted to stay awake. I had been wanting to make a really good meal, so I did that. For the joy or cooking or something. But when I couldn't find anyone that was willing to come over for a free meal, it made me realize that the joy of cooking is really only the joy of enjoying the product. It made me really sad that I spent all day cooking and nobody could eat it with me. I suddenly understood why my dad was always so depressed when he wanted to cook and nobody had time to come over and eat. I wish Go was in town, nothing would have stopped him from coming and devouring everything. Oh well, I guess I'll just take a nap and eat pizza bagels next time...

Valentine's Day

Valentine's day is unsettling to me. For 22 years, I hated the holiday because I was single. And now that I have had a boyfriend for the last 2 years I am supposed to drop that hatred? But I love making cards and baking cookies and celebrating things! I love the stuff that goes into celebrating a holiday, but I hate the holiday. Does this make sense? I feel very conflicted about the entire thing. I got a card and chocolates and loved them. But I like the idea of a holiday that everyone gets to celebrate way better. I just realized that doesn't exist. Christmas is for Christians. The 4th of July is for Americans. So is Thanksgiving. I guess Valentine's day is really just your typical divisive holiday, only I think I object because I found it so hard to find a worthwhile boy for the majority of my life. So really, maybe I should be way excited about celebrating the fact that I actually am in love for once. Maybe this is actually a great holiday and I never knew? I am still awfully skeptical.

Weird dreams

I've been having weird stress dreams. They are about jobs and school and papers. I am stressed about my job situation and for some reason vicariously stressed about Tom's midterms. But the weird thing is, its not like my classic stress. When I used to get stressed, I would have a lot of anxiety about it. I thought you couldn't be stressed without being anxious. As it turns out, now that I am dealing with my anxiety, stress is little more than just thinking a lot about it. Stress with anxiety was me feeling sick to my stomach and being unable to sleep from the adrenaline. So as a result of thinking about how much I hate my job situation and thinking about Tom's papers, I am dreaming about them. But I am dreaming.

It makes me wish I had gone to therapy sooner. I had no idea I had such anxiety issues until I literally had such a bad attack I ended up in urgent care. I just thought I was normal. Also, I think my anxiety was the reason I always did so well in school. If I didn't feel sick when I didn't study for a test, would I have studied at all?

2nd Choice

I finally called about the job today, and she told me I was their second choice. She was very impressed with me, but the other candidate just had a little more event planning experience. She told me that she would keep my resume and that other positions would open up, and if I could just hold on a couple more months than maybe she could call me back and offer me one of those positions.

I didn't get it and I kind of thought I would. I don't know why I was so sure of myself. I think it is because I have to believe I won't be in retail that much longer. I'm sad :(

shaken

Hearing about a guy that is considering breaking up with a girlfriend that he has been happy with for a few years because he isn't sure if someone else out there somewhere would make him happier has completely shaken my world. I always thought if I found someone that makes me happy and that I love, I would be with them for as long as I could be. Because even finding someone that makes you feel love for them is like, the hardest thing ever. I looked my entire life for someone that was worthy to fall in love with, and I would never want to take the bet that perhaps someone else is out there exactly like him but likes the same music as me too. I would never want to give up the inside jokes we have, and the things we share together. And before hearing about this guy, I thought it was logical enough that everyone would more or less operate the same as me. It is really frightening that you can never truly know if love is ever going to be enough for the person whose love is enough for you.

About a year ago I was examining the question of whether you can ever truly trust someone. I don't think I ever came up with a satisfactory answer for myself. I would love to believe that you could, because it sounds easier than constantly doubting everyone in your life. But if you put that trust on someone and they let you down, how could you ever forgive yourself for giving them the opportunity to violate trust? I put a pin in it a year ago, I try not to think about it. I don't think it matters one way or another most of the time, because you carry on business the same. You eat, you sleep, you hang out, without needing an answer to that fundamental question. But it is at times like this when it comes up from the blue again. I will put a pin in it again. I have a feeling this is an essentially human thing to do. I have a feeling the answer is no, we cannot truly trust anyone. But when we put a pin in it, aren't we just temporarily trying to forget that we can't? I think the heart wants to trust so badly, but the brain knows better. And putting a pin in the question is just our way of trying to forget that we can't.

But what implications does this have to human relationships? Perhaps this is the question under the pin instead.

Keep your hussy hands off my man!

I had a baaaad dream. I dreamed that Tom and I were hanging out and watching a movie in a group setting, although who these people were was not clear. And he was spooning some slut on the couch! And I tried to be the cool girlfriend and not say anything, but the fondling kept getting worse and worse so finally I was like "get your goddamn hands off of my boyfriend you hussy!" and everyone was like, dang, they've been doing that all night and NOW you have a problem!? and I was like, dude, I am not ok with that going on and never was, but I can't stand it one minute longer!

So between that and Dami having a bad cold, I didn't sleep very well. Why do I dream things like that? It wouldn't happen in real life!

WOOOOOO

I got a 2nd interview at OSUCCC!!!!!! I am so jazzed...I hope I get this job!!!

Oh Delia

Man, I am watching My So Called Life, and its the one where Delia has a crush on Ricky even though she knows he's gay. It cracks me up, because that was me in high school. And with her, its because she wants a crush that is safe and that doesn't hurt. With me it was because there were no viable guys in my school and I just wanted to have a reason not to hate school. Its funny though, I guess its like, a thing girls do. I am so typical. And I always thought I was so weird...

Dream Job

I am pretty sure I found my dream job today. I interviewed for the Program Coordinator position in the Comprehensive Cancer Center at OSU. It sounds absolutely amazing. I would be coordinating seminars and events for doctors, and doing a lot of behind the scenes work. I would learn so much from it, and I would feel like I am actually contributing to a greater good in the process. This is the kind of job that has so much growth potential and so much to do that I could be here the majority of my career. It would be funny if I actually got it, because I started out college wanting to work in cancer research and changed my major because I couldn't stomach being a doctor. And now I would still be working for that, just in a more business capacity. Man I hope I get this job!

sleeping in

I slept until noon today. But it was weird. Not the usual sleep until noon I have, where I sleep very lightly and wake up a lot, like dozing off and on in the morning hours. I was dead asleep today. It took me forever to wake up today, because I was dreaming right up until noon. I don't even remember what I was dreaming about. I haven't had sleep that deep in a really long time. It felt good.

I hate noise

Arg. All I wanted to do was get another hour of sleep. But the Krogers emptying their dumpsters didn't allow that. The phone ringing in the apartment over didn't either. The people chattering like monkeys outside didn't either. I hate noise when I am trying to sleep.

Sound

I can hear the woman next door hacking up a lung. To the point where I am worried about her, its been going on for a month. I can hear the upstairs neighbor's garbage disposal. I can hear the dryer running other people's laundry. I can hear the news blasting from White, Wong, and Ford, the old deaf packrats next door. And now there is a cop siren coming down the street.

Living in an apartment building is weird. But somehow comforting...I am sitting here feeling rather alone, but sounds coming from everywhere remind me that people are all around me, just not in the immediate vicinity.

Why am I having such issues with feeling alone lately? Is it because nobody at work talks to me anymore? Is it because Dami isn't home as much? Is it because nobody is ever online anymore? Is it because I see Tom less due to school starting again? Maybe it is because I see my good friends far too little anymore...or maybe it is that I am a sad bastard in winter.

I wish I had those words

"Don't thank me, there is nowhere else I'd rather be."

Logan said that to Rory on Gilmore Girls when she thanked him for being there for her when her grandpa had a heart attack. Why couldn't I have thought of that when I went to Tom's grandma's funeral? I was thinking that, but couldn't articulate it. I couldn't make it known that I wanted to be there. That it wasn't an inconvenience in the slightest. I just couldn't find the words at the time. So I just nodded awkwardly when people said "thank you".

Bowling

I have been bowling more times in the last 2 weeks than in the last year. Having your own bowling shoes really gets you out there more. And now that we know about Sunday night bowling at Sawmill Lanes, it is on. Once a week on. Oh yeah.

I seem to have plateaued as a bowler though. I keep trying to use new techniques and end up totally tripping over my own feet. Its lame. I am still pretty happy if I can break 100. Its ok though. If I beat Tom, he gets all upset.

Anyone up for Sunday bowling?

Nostalgia

This could be the best year ever. I could get a new job. I could do a bunch of crazy fun things. But I am the type of person who will always think back on past fun and be sad for its passing. I was looking through some pictures of parties from about a year ago and wishing I was back there. Before the UTI problems, when Sunday dinners were still fun, etc. We went ice skating and sledding and bowling! We had weekly dinners with good friends that we don't even see anymore. We went out and went to fun parties. We went to see John Stewart (which actually wasn't that great but still, we did it and then we played board games afterward). I felt closer to my good friends back then. And even though I am doing things that I enjoy now, I wish we were doing those things again. Why can't I have good times all the time?

I am ridiculous to the point of laughing out loud at this. I guess I am having a pretty good time this year too...

perfection

I don't think it is possible to express to someone that you think they are perfect. You can say it, but they might not believe you. And personal imperfections keep you from properly expressing it. I wish that someone could know by telepathy just how much you think of them.

Snow

I could have spent hours watching the snow fall last night. I love it. It's so peaceful. But I was getting kind of melancholy. I started thinking how when it snows like that, late at night, before anyone has a chance to sully it, it feels like I am the only human being on earth. And even though I was at Tom's, I felt so alone all of the sudden. He was off playing video games and I was reading Wicked. It was a perfect scenario for me: snow falling, comfy couch, great book, candles burning, hot tea. Except I was alone. Reading isn't a group activity, I don't know why it upset me so. I think I could make a fortune if I made a chair that was a giant heated teddy bear that would hug you when you read while watching the snow.