Mad World

I keep having this recurring dream that Katie, Dan, and Olivia are conspiring to turn the entire Hickey family against me so that Tom breaks up with me because they don't like me. I think Olivia's pregnancy combined with Uncle Bud's funeral are forcing these thoughts into my subconcious. I loved them all. I want to love them all again. But when a group of people makes it clear that their mission is to destroy you, where do you go from there? How can you regain good favor when it is their mission to destroy it? I wish so hard that there was something I could do. I can't do anything but email Katie...which has gone semi well, but the underlying tone is friendly but removed and formal. Like when you talk to someone who has done nothing wrong, but you want to keep them at arm's length. And Olivia, who a year ago was sending post cards and valentines and congrats cards every couple weeks and talking on the phone to me and promising to hang out when in town now is too busy to even have lunch and too curt to say much more than "Have a good week" when I congratulate her pregnancy. I don't get it. I just want to rewind the last year so I can maybe catch what went wrong this time. I feel impotent and out of control. I want to make better but there is no way to do it. They have to want it. And right now, they want the exact opposite of what I want.

I have been wishing lately that I was a more positive person. I am naturally inclined for that, which is why I have been so bummed out lately. I guess I just don't deal well with problems that I can't fix - or worse, don't know how to fix. Let me review all of the good things in my life right now. Amazing boy friend? Check. Good health? Check. Good job prospects? Check. Getting along with my brothers? Check. Not having nearly as many money problems? Check. I just wish the sun could shine through this dark cloud.

Melancholy

I hate that person in Office Space that says "Looks like someone's got a case of the Mondays!" That being said, I would be surprised if I escaped such a comment today. For some reason, I have this feeling of melancholy I can't shake. I just don't want to be at work. I don't want to be here even a little bit. The whole day seems like it is going to be full of things I don't want to do. I have to go to that weight training class after work, and last week that class kicked my ass so hard that I was limping for days. Then I have to go to pizza night, and it has been so nice not going the last few weeks that I don't want to start again. The only reason I am going is because in trying to schedule a fun wii evening with my brothers, I realized that with our crazy schedules Monday is the only night we have to hang out. I miss my brothers. I'm not really missing my mom too much at this point. Which makes me sad on a whole other level. I also feel like these are going to be some of the last pizza nights with my grandparents, and I don't want to feel like I didn't do everything possible to soak up the last times we have together. I know my mom is going to feel like she has the power and control to once again steal my Monday evenings, but the reason for my return has everything to do with everyone else there and nothing to do with her.