Anxiety

I am now having anxiety issues relating to the possibility of getting more UTIs. I wonder if I am giving them to myself with stress and anxiety, when the cultures come back negative. I wish I could stop doing this to myself. But I don't know how. So I am getting professional help. Tomorrow I am calling on a counselor I found on my insurance website. It's nice because its right by Staufs, so I can take a nice stroll, get some coffee, go to therapy. I hope it does some good. I need help right now.

New Years

The more I think about it, the more I hope that I/good friends of mine have a New Year's party. We ended up going to lame campus parties last year, and I don't wanna do that again. I think it would be really fun to have a party somewhere that we can stay put and not walk around in heels drunk on high street. It could be so much fun! And I wouldn't get sick this way, because there would be no sketchy punch and/or funky pot smoke. I'm getting excited for a fun new years! They usually suck...the only thing that didn't suck about last year was getting together with Tom.

Anyone wanna co-host a party?

so many jobs...

I feel like I have applied to sooo many jobs online today. I really hope I get at least one interview. Its so hard to tell when you apply online, you send out your resume but you can never tell if its even seen. I don't like it very much, but if I knew a way around it, I wouldn't be here I guess. I especially hate the OSU system, where you don't even get a contact email or anything. Arg.

Cookies!

Today was a good day. I applied for some jobs and got to have an old lady movie night. Jamie came over and we went to Hoggy's for dinner, the French Loaf for hot chocolate, and then we baked sugar cookie cut-outs and decorated them while we watched Sunset Boulevard. It was a good time, I'm glad I got some good old fashioned Jamie time. And she is the best at sugar cookies. So not only are they beautiful, but they are equally delicious.

Now I just need people to come over and eat these cookies. There are so many!!

Bathrooms are gross

I just scrubbed everything, from ceiling to floor, in my bathroom. The tub was the worst. It made my back and arms sore. I had to choke back gags as I scrubbed the toilet and the floor, which was made more disgusting by the fact that the glue holding down the tiles is bleeding between the cracks and trapping every piece of hair that falls on it. But I cleaned it all up! I am magic. Now when people come over and use our bathroom, they won't think we are absolutely disgusting.

When I was scrubbing the floors with the same bucket and sponge as when Katie came over to help clean before Europe, I thought fondly of her. Weird associations: sponge, gross floor, pine sol, I <3 Katie. It made me laugh.

Trees and lights

I put up my Christmas Tree tonight. I love it. I wish I could leave it up all year. The lighting makes me happy. Its so mellow and cozy. I decorated it all in silver, blue, and white. Its so pretty. I made Tom put up his tree too. Because with as much time as I spend over there, I want the cozy pleasure of a Christmas tree there too. Besides, if you don't put out your decorations during the appropriate season, then why store them throughout the year? I also helped Tom put up lights around his porch roof. They make me happy as well. I think I get waaay too into the holidays...I thought working at Hallmark for 5 years would have erased that, but it only strengthened it. And now I am watching Love Actually for the millionth time, because I wanted to watch a Christmas movie and its the only one I have. I need to get How The Grinch Stole Christmas and Rudolph and Frosty and that weird one with the song that goes, "I'm mister white Christmas, I'm mister snow..."

Holidays

After my 3 different Thanksgivings, I can compare how differently people do the same thing. Its weird how much variation can happen with the elements of family, turkey, and all of the accessories. First with the family: At my dad's, he is very into everyone helping to prepare the food and being an active part of getting ready for dinner. The stark contrast is Tom's mom, who doesn't want anyone around to help or get in her way. And then there is the fact that there are no little kids in my family, but Tom's family is full of them. And the differences in food are weird too. I mean, its turkey and potatoes we are dealing with, but so many ways to prepare them. Tom's mom does everything very basic, with little spice. The Poles at my mom's family, not being from here originally, prepare the food to taste, and not to tradition. So they have the basics, but they also have random stuff that you wonder why it makes it to a Thanksgiving table. My dad does the basics, but adds at least one other meat. Because he loves meat. So this year, we also had venison. Which, by the way, is delicious. So I figured that if you took my dad's meats, add my "aunt's" potatoes, and Tom's mom's rolls, you'd have the perfect Thanksgiving dinner.

Time

I'm stoked. I just saw the schedule for next week and I have Sunday through Wednesday off. That means I have 4 straight days of no H&M. I can chill out. I can put up my Christmas tree. I can catch up on my bills. And the most important thing: I can fucking blanket the town with resumes. I haven't really had that much time to do that, I've just been applying here and there when I have a minute. But I can really concentrate on it with 4 days off. I am glad. I need to get out of retail, and the holiday season is reminding me of that.

Christmas for Perverts

I was getting stoked for Christmas by looking for ornaments and tree stuff online, and came across a menorah. My first thought was "Let's get a menorah!" which I expressed to Dami. He said that when he saw it, his first thought was "Let's get a menorah then go to the Garden and get penis shaped candles to put into it!" Hahahaha what the crap? Also, when I saw some pink flamingo ornaments, he suggested we get dead chicken ornaments for the tree. So if holiday decor was up to Dami, we would have a penis menorah and a dead chicken tree.

My brother is weird.

Jealous?

I can't believe that Bridezilla would accuse me of being jealous. Jealous of a capricious decision that 7 months was enough to decide what person is going to be with me until death and father my children? 7 Months! I am feeling many things about that, but jealousy is NOT one of them. I was shocked more than anything at first, but now I'm mad. How dare she accuse me of being jealous at her poor decision-making skills. How dare she accuse me of being jealous of what sounds like the absolute most unromantic way to be proposed to. Even if he cooks up something elaborate involving overly expensive food and wine, she still went shopping for the ring. And to me, that is really unromantic. I am also not jealous of the fact that she is forcing her relationship on everyone and not thinking of anyone else's feelings in doing so. Grrr....the worst thing is, I don't really feel like I can talk to her about anything. I have never felt close to her, because I can't feel close to the yuppy plastic types. So this must be how W.A.S.P.s are formed. No real interaction because you can't interact with plastic.

Chill Pills

So I tried to go in for a half day yesterday, and after a half hour they sent me home. Bonnie the manager said she was really worried about the pain I had been complaining about in my chest for a couple weeks now and that she really wanted me to go to urgent care. So I went, and got ushered in first on a wheelchair because apparently if you have chest pain you take high priority. So they did all sorts of EKGs and other heart tests and they were all normal, so they said I was having an anxiety attack and prescribed me chill pills. And its crazy, because they totally work. The pain in my chest is almost gone after 2 of them, and I don't seem to even care that I have an active UTI going on.

So after all of this, I'm thinking I should see a counselor about my stress and anxiety levels.

Again...

I have another fucking UTI. I can't do this anymore...they hurt so much. I am glad I have the appointment with the urogynocologist tomorrow, because I need this to be over with...FOR GOOD. I wish I could sleep...

and it all hit me

I was always told about in-laws. Warned about how terrible they could be, and how cruel. But when I started considering what could happen with Tom's parents if it ever comes to that, I thought it wouldn't be bad. They seem to like me, and appreciate my presence in their son's life. But this weekend I realized that even if I make their son happy, and "bring out the best in him", I will never be a yuppy. And that is always going to make me a second class citizen with them.

This weekend, the others went diamond shopping. After 7 months, diamond shopping. But its ok by the parentals, because they are in their last year of grad school. If you make it through grad school, it doesn't matter that your first new years together will be your first ever as a couple and you are engaged for it. It is shocking to me. It seems so forced to me. Like they do it because that is what you are supposed to do, and not out of a long and considered relationship in which you grow and explore life together. And it will probably work out. I'm not saying it won't, and I do not want that for them. I love them and want the best for them. But certain people's reaction to this makes me feel like I will never be good enough because I am doing what is right for me. And I was the child of people that got married waaaay to young and too soon, and it ruined what should have been the best years of their lives, as well as giving their children a really fucked up upbringing.

I want to do things in my life that feel right, and feel real. I want to do things not because I feel like that is what I should do, but because I really really want to do them. I want to feel like when someone does propose to me, its because he realized that he doesn't want to live without me, and not because the timing is right with getting out of grad school. I don't want to pick out my own engagement ring, my perfect guy would know what I want...including that I don't want diamonds.

I don't know why this is bothering me so much. I just keep thinking about it, and drawing new offense from it. I want to not be bothered by other people's decisions. But I also don't want to feel like an untouchable for not wanting to gloss over real emotion and forcing interaction.

Funny Commercial

It was a commercial for dog food. A voiceover was talking about how much she loved taking her dog to the dog park because there were always new smells to smell (visual of dog sniffing a butt and woman looking disgusted), there were always new things to dig up (visual of dog digging in the dirty and getting filthy, woman looks really disgusted), but she worried about what he got into (dog gets into trash can and gnaws at garbage, woman looks like she is going to shoot it when she gets home). The voice over sounded sooo upbeat and happy to be a dog owner, but the actress just seemed so generally disgusted by her own dog. It was hilarious.

Resume

I finally just sat down today and spent the whole day researching jobs and working on my resume. And I feel better about things. I saw a lot of jobs that I could get with my current experience, and the fact that I am taking a way more active role than I have for a while in my job search is making me feel a lot less trapped in retail than I have been feeling. I very much hope that I will be the proud holder of an administrative assistant position or something in 3 months. This will be my last Christmas season in retail. Of that I am certain...I hope.

Bad week

I am just having a bad week, I guess. I was starting to feel a little better about things, and then when it came time to work again I got this awful feeling in the pit of my stomach. I went to work and it was awful. Understaffed as per usual, and soooo busy. And I still couldn't get my schedule fixed. It was a really awful day, and on my way home I just kept thinking that things are going to keep getting worse until I can find another job. But I still feel so trapped by needing the job to pay bills and more importantly, for my health insurance. So once again, I just got to Tom's and collapsed in sobs. I don't feel like myself. I feel completely hopeless. I feel like I will never get the 9-5 job that I crave. I will never get out of the cruel retail world. But I have to push myself to believe that things will be better. I have to because I am going insane. I never imagined I would hate my job as much as I do.