By George, I've got it

I figured out that my lack of holiday spirit is directly related to the fact that I feel like my family is disbanding. My grandma had to go to the hospital this week, and I am so worried about her lasting much longer. My mom is in denial about it; she can't conceive of her mother not being around when she needs her. My little brother always seems to drop off the deep end about this time of year, and even though I try to hope for the best, it is just getting so hard. I want my brother back but it is to painful to try to make things better these days. I don't know what would be worse: make a real effort and be rebuffed/let down again by his drug/alcoholism or let him drop and have to cope with the real loss of my beloved little brother. I feel continually abandoned by my mom, who seems more than willing to schedule us around whatever free time is left by her new family. We just don't seem to have a big enough place in her plans anymore. And we never see her side of the family anymore due to her decision to let her family drop by the wayside and my grandma's lack of energy for getting people together. I never see Dami anymore, him and Beth have their own lives and their own circle (which I can definitely understand, considering everything that has gone on) but it just adds to it. Our family is going its own way. We have Monday night dinners, but nobody's heart is in it anymore. I wish that for once, Christmas could be like it used to be. With lots of family and lots of celebration, and not just a band of people half-heartedly going through the motions that are getting too hard to perform anymore.

Spirit

I feel like I am desparately trying to recapture Christmas spirit. I don't know the exact reasons for my lack of it this year. I am usually so excited about it. In talking to various people, I have considered and/or dismissed the following:
- Christmas will not be fun/exciting until we have kids: but that is not it for me; there were no little kids around since I was one, and Christmas always managed to be fun for me.
- There are too many depressing things going on in the world to have fun: I am considering this my frontrunner, but it seems like things have been way worse before for me personally and I have still managed to get it up for Christmas. It seems like a flimsy excuse upon examination.
- This is the first year since I was 17 that I have not worked retail during the Christmas season: Maybe my Christmas spirit was tied to the fact that I was around the consumerist side of it for so long. God, I hate to think that this extremely positive change in my life is contributing to my lack of spirit for the holidays. So messed up if this is the case.
- Some unknown mental block: Maybe I am in some need of a spiritual renewal. Maybe I am too stressed over some unknown thing that I haven't figured out. Maybe it is my work stress. Maybe it is that my grandma is really starting to take a turn for the worse lately. Maybe I feel somewhat abandoned by my mom. Maybe it is the fact that money has been tighter this holiday and while I am not broke, I do not derive the same pleasure out of spending money on my loved ones that I once did.

There are so many things that flit through my head during the course of the day that any number of them could subconciously be draining my spirit. I just want it back. I feel empty without it. I used to get so excited for this time of year, and now it just seems like I am shining it on. I want to enjoy the holidays like I used to, I want to so badly. I just can't seem to figure out how to get back to that place...

You're Cool!

Ok, its just grafitti but it evokes an interesting reaction every time I pass it. One one of the pillars of Knowlton Hall, someone wrote "You're Cool". If I am feeling bad about myself, I immediately think "No I am not" or "I wish". But on days like today, when the head of fiscal told me she has heard great things about me upon meeting her, I thought "I KNOW!"