Spirit

I feel like I am desparately trying to recapture Christmas spirit. I don't know the exact reasons for my lack of it this year. I am usually so excited about it. In talking to various people, I have considered and/or dismissed the following:
- Christmas will not be fun/exciting until we have kids: but that is not it for me; there were no little kids around since I was one, and Christmas always managed to be fun for me.
- There are too many depressing things going on in the world to have fun: I am considering this my frontrunner, but it seems like things have been way worse before for me personally and I have still managed to get it up for Christmas. It seems like a flimsy excuse upon examination.
- This is the first year since I was 17 that I have not worked retail during the Christmas season: Maybe my Christmas spirit was tied to the fact that I was around the consumerist side of it for so long. God, I hate to think that this extremely positive change in my life is contributing to my lack of spirit for the holidays. So messed up if this is the case.
- Some unknown mental block: Maybe I am in some need of a spiritual renewal. Maybe I am too stressed over some unknown thing that I haven't figured out. Maybe it is my work stress. Maybe it is that my grandma is really starting to take a turn for the worse lately. Maybe I feel somewhat abandoned by my mom. Maybe it is the fact that money has been tighter this holiday and while I am not broke, I do not derive the same pleasure out of spending money on my loved ones that I once did.

There are so many things that flit through my head during the course of the day that any number of them could subconciously be draining my spirit. I just want it back. I feel empty without it. I used to get so excited for this time of year, and now it just seems like I am shining it on. I want to enjoy the holidays like I used to, I want to so badly. I just can't seem to figure out how to get back to that place...