By George, I've got it

I figured out that my lack of holiday spirit is directly related to the fact that I feel like my family is disbanding. My grandma had to go to the hospital this week, and I am so worried about her lasting much longer. My mom is in denial about it; she can't conceive of her mother not being around when she needs her. My little brother always seems to drop off the deep end about this time of year, and even though I try to hope for the best, it is just getting so hard. I want my brother back but it is to painful to try to make things better these days. I don't know what would be worse: make a real effort and be rebuffed/let down again by his drug/alcoholism or let him drop and have to cope with the real loss of my beloved little brother. I feel continually abandoned by my mom, who seems more than willing to schedule us around whatever free time is left by her new family. We just don't seem to have a big enough place in her plans anymore. And we never see her side of the family anymore due to her decision to let her family drop by the wayside and my grandma's lack of energy for getting people together. I never see Dami anymore, him and Beth have their own lives and their own circle (which I can definitely understand, considering everything that has gone on) but it just adds to it. Our family is going its own way. We have Monday night dinners, but nobody's heart is in it anymore. I wish that for once, Christmas could be like it used to be. With lots of family and lots of celebration, and not just a band of people half-heartedly going through the motions that are getting too hard to perform anymore.